Airline Humor
08-04-2006, 03:42 PM
#1
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Airline Humor
I found this on another site. Enjoy!
After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
08-04-2006, 05:05 PM
#3
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08-04-2006, 05:09 PM
#4
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
I love Aussie humor.
It's not Jacking, because it still fits under the topic of "Airline Humor":
This is what would happen if tc4Italy was a stewardess.
08-04-2006, 06:57 PM
#6
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either way... tru or not... its still funny... cuz im sure it does happen... if anything between friends... you know your friend is working that day on your plane.. or equipment... so you toss a funny in....
good laugh tho
good laugh tho
08-04-2006, 07:21 PM
#7
Having spent several years working on aircraft (and responding to truly weird pilot complaints - I wouldn't let some even drive my xB), those actually do have the ring of truth to them. 
(And yes, I had a copy from the late '80's from AOPA that indicated they come 'from various sources.')
Sometimes humor is the only possible response, like when I had my guys ceaning buzzard guts out of a half million dollars worth of camera gear from a buzzard that came through the top of the nose cowl on a recon bird (RF-101) at about 500MPH...
http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp
Tomas
(And yes, I had a copy from the late '80's from AOPA that indicated they come 'from various sources.')
Sometimes humor is the only possible response, like when I had my guys ceaning buzzard guts out of a half million dollars worth of camera gear from a buzzard that came through the top of the nose cowl on a recon bird (RF-101) at about 500MPH...
http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp
Tomas
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