MJVsTC

In my Comp class, I am required to write a process analysis on a topic of my choice. Many people chose to write the analysis on "How to find the atomic weight of..." which is BORING. I wanted to do something funny, so I chose this topic. Even if you don't find the essay funny, you should find the fact that a skinny white boy from PA wrote the essay to be funny. It is unrevised, but if you have any ideas for me to add, please feel free to suggest them! Thanks and enjoy (I hope):

How to Roll Like a Gangsta
Gangstas, not to be confused with Capone era gangsters, have developed their own style of driving vehicles over recent years and the style has become an art within itself. In some cases it can take the gangsta, or wannabe gangsta, hundreds of miles to perfect the art of the lean that many people connect to the small group of urbanites. However, with a lot of practice, anyone should be able to perfect this art and use it in his or her daily travels.
First, in order to roll like a gangsta, you must possess the appropriate vehicle. Attempting to roll like a gangsta in a 1990 Geo Prizm is simply unacceptable and totally impractical. In order to roll like a true gangsta, your vehicle must fall within the following specifications:
1. Is lowered to bumper-dragging heights.
2. Sits on Dubs (20”+ chrome rims to the common folk).
3. Windows are tinted to illegal status.
4. Contains enough subwoofers to temporarily deafen any pedestrians.
5. No bondo is visible on vehicle’s body.
These are the top five specifications that your vehicle must fall under in order for you to begin your gangsta training. Of course, the more blingage you add to your ride, the more chance you have at looking like a real gangsta. If you own a 1990 Geo Prizm, or your vehicle does not meet the aforementioned criteria, please do not attempt to roll like a gangsta, as the consequences will be quite embarrassing.
Now that you understand the vehicle specifications, it is time to begin rolling like a gangsta. Entering the vehicle is equally important as driving the vehicle in a gangsta-like manner. For that reason, please practice the following instructions in a deserted parking lot until you feel comfortable enough to employ them in the city. First, approach your vehicle in a slow, yet smooth, manner. Remember, gangstas are too cool to be rushed, so act like you have not a care in the world as you walk towards your car. Next, remove your car key from your pocket as you come within ten feet of your ride and unlock the doors. Keyless entry will facilitate this process because you will not have fumble with the key once you are at your car. Now that your doors are unlocked, open your driver’s side door with your left hand. Place your right foot as close to the transmission tunnel as possible while securing your right hand on the steering wheel. Once the seat of your Sean John jeans are in your driver’s seat, lift your left foot into the vehicle and elegantly close the door with your left hand. Lock the doors. Once you have secured you position in the locked vehicle, breathe a sigh of relief because one of the toughest steps is over.
Before you make the monumental decision to start your car, sit and observe your surroundings. Nothing is worse that being ready to depart and having a little old lady slowly cross the street in front of you. Once you are positive that you will be able to make a graceful exit, slouch down in you seat so that the flat brim of you retro Yankees hat is level with the top of the steering wheel. If done properly, your shoulders should be close to level with the bottom of the driver’s side window. Put the key in the ignition and start the car; but remember to check your surroundings first. A graceful exit is the goal. At this point you must turn on your iPod enabled stereo system and adjust your bass settings so that your windows rattle every time the subwoofer hits. Whatever you do, do not play any pop music like Hanson or Britney Spears. Your iPod should be filled with 5,000 songs of the best underground rappers in Detroit, not MTV hits. Also, depending on the climate of your area you may feel inclined to open your windows to cool off; do not do it. Gangstas are tough, and certainly a little bit of heat is not going to bother them, so turn on the A/C and suck it up. You should now be ready to begin your journey in a very gangsta-esque manner.
Up until now, your car should not have left the place it was first parked in. However, your car should be turned on and you should be ready to begin rolling like a gangsta. Now you may begin to drive. Again, do not drive erratically because gangstas are never in a hurry. Once you are comfortable and in a safe driving situation, place your left hand at the twelve o’clock position on the steering wheel and lean on the center armrest with your right elbow. Disregard what your driving instructor told you about proper driving position. Appearing relaxed is key in the eternal struggle to master the art of rolling like a gangsta. Obey traffic laws because if there is any police patrolling, they may try to catch you “ridin’ dirty” and a failure to stop for a traffic signal is a perfect excuse for them to pull you over. You are now at your climax of rolling like a gangsta. Your subs should be pounding and you should be positioned with that distinguishable gangsta lean.
When you finally make it to your destination, park in an area you feel is safe. Door dings and bad drivers are unavoidable; however, by choosing the safest possible parking space, you reduce the risk of damage being done to your vehicle. Also, do not wait for a particular space to become open because you’re a gangsta and you wait for no one. After safely parking, slowly lower the volume of your system so that the bass thumps eventually become inaudible. By simply turning off the music you will appear to be in a hurry, and remember, gangstas do not hurry. Once the music is completely silent, open the driver’s side door with your left hand and step out with one fluent motion. If your car is not equipped with keyless entry, lock the doors from the inside before gently shutting the driver’s side door. If you are lucky enough to have keyless entry, nonchalantly lock the car as you walk away.
You have just completed your “how to roll like gangsta” clinic. Of course practice makes perfect, so don’t hesitate to practice your newly found skills every day. The more you practice, the faster your inner gangsta will come out and rolling like a gangsta will soon become second nature. Although very complicated, knowing how to roll like a gangsta may be a very beneficial skill to possess one day. For that reason, please keep a copy of this step-by-step guide in your locked glove box for future reference.

MJVsTC

I copied and pasted from Word (Werd, yo) so the indentation is messed up.

ryukenden

whoa! That's extensive! lol

MJVsTC

It was entertaining to write, though; even if it isn't that accurate.

peteyd

intresting...lol

MJVsTC

Where are all of these people (who stress grammar on this site) at when I need them. I'm too lazy to re-read this damn thing.

jct

its even better if you use imported underground rap cd's from other countrys

MJVsTC

Good one.

Keep 'em coming!

rivas_203

iTrader: (1)

totally printing this.

peteyd, i challenge you to simpsons/family guy/futurama trivia.

peteyd

go into the off topic television there is a sticky current open quesiton i believe

rivas_203

iTrader: (1)

just revived that thread.

back on topic, i tried this just now and i must say, i feel gangsta fo sho

scionofPCFL

Entertaining subject matter, and you pretty much pulled it off. However, there's some questionable syntax, but maybe it has to do with the type of paper you're writing. I'm not exactly sure of the structure and rules of the Process Analysis Paper.

If you're process analysis has different criteria, then disregard, but in general, a formal paper should not have second person references.

Never begin a sentence with a conjuction or conjuctive phrase.

In the first sentence, change the term "driving vehicle" to just "vehicle". I'd also suggest throwing in a reference to the term "whip" at this point.

Not trying to offenend, but the tone of the piece is one that I'd expect to see posted on the internet. I'd shoot for something more formal, but with a twist. You know that voice you hear during a documentary? Not the one from the animal documentaries with the hushed tones, but the one with the booming, happy base from the 50's? Like something the Ward Cleaver would read? On something as benign as making toast? That's what I'd shoot for. You want that voice to pop into the reader's head.

XxTamTxX

update us on the grade you get.. haha

MJVsTC

Thank you scionofPCFL.

I have a lot to fix as I start to revise this paper, but you certainly gave me some things to look at.

This is actually one of the few papers that I can reference the reader in, but I'm glad that you mentioned that point. I'm lucky that my teachers broke me of the "generic you" problem at an early age.

Thanks again for the input!

flintgauge86

I think it's an excellent paper. Maybe something you could change would be going into more specifics on types of autos.... give the reader some examples of primo gansta vehicles, like escalades, tahoes, Jags, Bentlys....Maybe talk about some candy paint drippin'. Second thing, Go into more detail about the seating as well, make sure they lean the seat back so it's basically flat and at angle that if they really leaned back into the seat, would never be able to reach the steering wheel. A mean pair of shades might help pull off the gansta look aswell. IF I think of anything else I'll post it up. Good Luck with the paper Man!

Rob_Tampa

This brings up to me one of the greatest mysteries of gangsta driving. If I recline my seat until my eyes are below the level of the steering wheel, then the only way I can reached the requisite 12 o'clock position with my hand is if I slide the seat forward until my knees are crammed so hard against the dash I can no longer operate the peddles. All obvious safety considerations aside, how the hell do people do this?!

fusionscion

keep a oversized wrench in your glovebox,(like i do) to keep those kids off yo' rims...


that is a great idea for an essay, and funny to man... are you a freshman?

scionofPCFL

Anytime. Have you heard the "Dickens Cider" recording? There's about 1000 mp3's flying across the internet if not. Have that voice in your head when you read it, and let that be your inspiration.

rdck

Great paper! Two suggestions tought.

1) you said, "Once you have secured you position in the locked vehicle...."

It should be "your position". I do that typo all the time.

2) You didn't mention turning the car off.

Again good job and let us know how you scored.

rdck

...and I screw up typing the word "though" all the time too!!

DOH