New Rules
01-25-2008, 07:36 PM
#1
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,457
New Rules
New Rule :
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule :
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that fast food makes you fat. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule :
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule :
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this sh*t at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule :
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule :
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy
New Rule :
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a... And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to g*d you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule :
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darn exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule :
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule :
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white peoples version of looting.
New Rule
This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule :
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. '27 Months' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule my favorite :
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for f*cks sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule :
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that fast food makes you fat. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule :
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule :
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this sh*t at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule :
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule :
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy
New Rule :
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a... And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to g*d you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule :
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darn exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule :
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule :
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white peoples version of looting.
New Rule
This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule :
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. '27 Months' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule my favorite :
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for f*cks sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?
01-25-2008, 08:49 PM
#2
Senior Member
SL Member
Scinergy
Scinergy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: The state of euphoria
Posts: 815
I have two rules i think need to be added
New Rule :
If you have an old muscle car sitting in your back yard for ten years and hasn't started since the end of the millenia don't try to sell it in the paper for the price you see it going for at Barrett-Jackson on the speed channel. It is a rusty old pos and doesn't get to sell for 25 grand because of a name.
New Rule :
Just because you own a car it doesn't make you an expert mechanic. They go to school for years to start. Then constantly go back to learn new things on cars coming out. Hey just because i have a body that doesn't make me a brain surgeon.
New Rule :
If you have an old muscle car sitting in your back yard for ten years and hasn't started since the end of the millenia don't try to sell it in the paper for the price you see it going for at Barrett-Jackson on the speed channel. It is a rusty old pos and doesn't get to sell for 25 grand because of a name.
New Rule :
Just because you own a car it doesn't make you an expert mechanic. They go to school for years to start. Then constantly go back to learn new things on cars coming out. Hey just because i have a body that doesn't make me a brain surgeon.
01-25-2008, 09:58 PM
#4
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,457
Originally Posted by Gman1028
I have two rules i think need to be added
New Rule :
If you have an old muscle car sitting in your back yard for ten years and hasn't started since the end of the millenia don't try to sell it in the paper for the price you see it going for at Barrett-Jackson on the speed channel. It is a rusty old pos and doesn't get to sell for 25 grand because of a name.
New Rule :
Just because you own a car it doesn't make you an expert mechanic. They go to school for years to start. Then constantly go back to learn new things on cars coming out. Hey just because i have a body that doesn't make me a brain surgeon.
New Rule :
If you have an old muscle car sitting in your back yard for ten years and hasn't started since the end of the millenia don't try to sell it in the paper for the price you see it going for at Barrett-Jackson on the speed channel. It is a rusty old pos and doesn't get to sell for 25 grand because of a name.
New Rule :
Just because you own a car it doesn't make you an expert mechanic. They go to school for years to start. Then constantly go back to learn new things on cars coming out. Hey just because i have a body that doesn't make me a brain surgeon.
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