the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
08-21-2006, 11:50 AM
#284
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hanover, PA
Posts: 2,794
*disclaimer* I am not a racist. This joke was told to me by a balck friend, so save the flames.
How do you know that Adam and Eve were not black?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man?
How do you know that Adam and Eve were not black?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man?
08-22-2006, 04:04 AM
#288
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 317
^^^
If you're sserious......
ham and bacon are not kosher..... but its a good, CHEAP, deal....
and another...
A woman takes her ailing, elderly dog into the vet. While in the waiting room, the dog ceases to breathe. The vet ushers the distraught woman and her pet into an examination room and pokes and prods the dog for a few moments. Then the vet's assistant brings in a cat, which he passes over the dog a few times, with no discernible reaction. The vet informs the woman that her pet has, indeed, passed. He hands her the bill, for an astonishing $100.
"What's the fee for, doctor?" she akes.
"Well, my examination was $40, and the CAT scan was $60," he replies.
If you're sserious......
ham and bacon are not kosher..... but its a good, CHEAP, deal....
and another...
A woman takes her ailing, elderly dog into the vet. While in the waiting room, the dog ceases to breathe. The vet ushers the distraught woman and her pet into an examination room and pokes and prods the dog for a few moments. Then the vet's assistant brings in a cat, which he passes over the dog a few times, with no discernible reaction. The vet informs the woman that her pet has, indeed, passed. He hands her the bill, for an astonishing $100.
"What's the fee for, doctor?" she akes.
"Well, my examination was $40, and the CAT scan was $60," he replies.
08-22-2006, 04:19 AM
#290
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 317
Two neighboring farmers cannot stop feuding.
One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the other's field.
Climbing over the fence, he is stopped by farmer #2 who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field.
After much arguing farmer #2 states that he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.
He explains that the method involves kicking each other in turn between the legs until one gives up, and the other is the winner.
Farmer #1 agrees reluctantly.
Farmer #2 states that since they are on his land, he goes first. Farmer #1 stands with legs apart and hands on hips while Farmer #2 takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer #1 into the air.
After ten minutes writhing on the ground farmer #1 eventually gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.
Farmer #2 turns and walks away saying " O.K. I give in! You keep the duck!"
One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the other's field.
Climbing over the fence, he is stopped by farmer #2 who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field.
After much arguing farmer #2 states that he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.
He explains that the method involves kicking each other in turn between the legs until one gives up, and the other is the winner.
Farmer #1 agrees reluctantly.
Farmer #2 states that since they are on his land, he goes first. Farmer #1 stands with legs apart and hands on hips while Farmer #2 takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer #1 into the air.
After ten minutes writhing on the ground farmer #1 eventually gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.
Farmer #2 turns and walks away saying " O.K. I give in! You keep the duck!"
08-22-2006, 04:24 AM
#291
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 317
A man and a woman were dating. She, being from a rather conservative religious background, had held back the worldly pleasures that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they driving down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore, " she told him. "Look, let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He of course enthusiastically agreed and began speeding up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, the man became very excited and lost control of the car. He sweered off the road, over an embankment, and wrapped the car around a tree. Luckily for her, the girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped inside. She tried mightily to pull him free, but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help, " he said weakly.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with, my clothes are all still in the car and I can't reach them! " she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver behind an 18-wheeler. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he naturally pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobed, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!
One day, as they driving down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore, " she told him. "Look, let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He of course enthusiastically agreed and began speeding up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, the man became very excited and lost control of the car. He sweered off the road, over an embankment, and wrapped the car around a tree. Luckily for her, the girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped inside. She tried mightily to pull him free, but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help, " he said weakly.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with, my clothes are all still in the car and I can't reach them! " she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver behind an 18-wheeler. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he naturally pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobed, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!
08-22-2006, 04:35 AM
#292
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 317
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes, "Taa-Daa!"
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes, "Taa-Daa!"
08-22-2006, 04:48 AM
#294
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 317
I know..... this next one is truly aweful.... but after a couple funny ones, heresa pretty bad one. (sorry!)
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?
Only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?
Only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
08-22-2006, 03:36 PM
#296
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: CT
Posts: 452
Originally Posted by dachmo
I know..... this next one is truly aweful.... but after a couple funny ones, heresa pretty bad one. (sorry!)
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?
Only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?
Only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
