the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
09-19-2006, 11:23 AM
#341
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Posts: 13,961
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars" ....she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."
09-21-2006, 07:49 PM
#342
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Location: Houston, TX
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An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her Husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
starbucks now thats a freakin classic!!!
09-22-2006, 11:42 PM
#345
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
A Mississippi redneck was stopped by a game warden in East
Mississippi recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river
well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
"Naw, sur, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yessir. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back
into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
" That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"
" Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Moral: We in Mississippi may not be as smart as some, but we ain't
as dumb as most.You smart ones have a good day now, hear.
Mississippi recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river
well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
"Naw, sur, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yessir. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back
into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
" That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"
" Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Moral: We in Mississippi may not be as smart as some, but we ain't
as dumb as most.You smart ones have a good day now, hear.
09-25-2006, 02:51 AM
#347
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Guam, 14.8N, 145.6E
Posts: 960
I got one...
A man drives up to a Local Gastation. A Philipino gas attendant was there to serve.
The man as him, "Fill my tank at 5 dollars worth".
The gas attendant asked him, "Onlydat?"
The man looked at him and said, "Uh okay, uh, make it ten dollars then."
The gas attendant asked him, "Onlydat?"
The man looked at him, wonder why he's asking that, so he said, "Well if you insist, make it fifteen dollars then.
The gas attendant asked him, "Onlydat?"
Nw the man being fustrated, siad " Okay twennty, then here. Tweenty Dollars of gas okay?!!
The gas attendant asked him, "Onlydat?"
The man said, "Look this is all I have, tweenty dollars is all I have!!!"
The Gas attendant said, "Oh sir, what I mean is regular onlydat? (unleaded) or Super onlydat???
A man drives up to a Local Gastation. A Philipino gas attendant was there to serve.
The man as him, "Fill my tank at 5 dollars worth".
The gas attendant asked him, "Onlydat?"
The man looked at him and said, "Uh okay, uh, make it ten dollars then."
The gas attendant asked him, "Onlydat?"
The man looked at him, wonder why he's asking that, so he said, "Well if you insist, make it fifteen dollars then.
The gas attendant asked him, "Onlydat?"
Nw the man being fustrated, siad " Okay twennty, then here. Tweenty Dollars of gas okay?!!
The gas attendant asked him, "Onlydat?"
The man said, "Look this is all I have, tweenty dollars is all I have!!!"
The Gas attendant said, "Oh sir, what I mean is regular onlydat? (unleaded) or Super onlydat???
09-25-2006, 08:07 AM
#348
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,823
Why couldn't I have been that smart?
There was this lady that was in the process of divorce.
she spent the first day packing her belongings into
boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she
had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at
their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put
on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound
of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every
room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in
caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She
then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all
was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything:
cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents
were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam
cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days, and in the end they even paid to replace the
expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People
stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to
work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could
not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in
half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky
house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local
realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they
had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were
going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She
listened politely and said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be
willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange
for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no
idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but
only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers
delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his
girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving
company pack everything to take to their new home,
including the curtain rods.
I just love a happy ending, don't you?
There was this lady that was in the process of divorce.
she spent the first day packing her belongings into
boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she
had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at
their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put
on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound
of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every
room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in
caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She
then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the ex-husband returned with his new girlfriend, all
was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the
house began to smell. They tried everything:
cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents
were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam
cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days, and in the end they even paid to replace the
expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People
stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to
work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could
not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in
half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky
house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local
realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they
had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were
going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She
listened politely and said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be
willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange
for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no
idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but
only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers
delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his
girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving
company pack everything to take to their new home,
including the curtain rods.
I just love a happy ending, don't you?
09-26-2006, 07:13 PM
#355
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Posts: 6,570
Originally Posted by mrfuzzy4
ok ok no hate mail for this...
why did the little girl fall off the swing....
'cuz she had no arms!
why did the little girl fall off the swing....
'cuz she had no arms!
What did the deaf, dumb and blind quadrapalegic kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
09-27-2006, 10:56 PM
#360
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Posts: 6,570
Originally Posted by Tito_Cruz
looks like "That F-ing Guy" I'm not sure tho.
and now for something completly diff'rent
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a
> restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for
> a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the
> restaurant and asked,
>
> "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
>
> The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her
> to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
>
> The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a
> hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully
> sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot
> tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and
> asked,
>
> "Is that Jesus over there?"
>
> The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give
> Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
>
> The third patron to come into the restaurant was a
> Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth,
> sat down and hollered,
>
> "Hey there, sweet thang How's about getting me a
> cold glass of Coke! !" He, too, looked across the
> restaurant and asked,
>
> "Is that God's boy over there?"
>
> The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said
> to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."
>
> As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman,
> touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
> healed."
>
> The Irishman felt the strength come back into his
> legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
>
> Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and
> said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
>
> The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and
> he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a
> series of back flips out the door.
>
> Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.
>
> The Redneck jumped up and yelled,
>
> "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."