the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
10-20-2006, 10:35 PM
#382
Senior Member
StyleWagons
SL Member
Scion Evolution
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,459
There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties....."
"WHAT?....... No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.
"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black box first"
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."
"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hareplane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties....."
"WHAT?....... No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.
"Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties," the third lady said, "cause if dis plane goes down, honey dey always look for da black box first"
10-24-2006, 11:07 AM
#385
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth
of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of
Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth
of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of
Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
thats great
10-24-2006, 09:21 PM
#387
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: ...Lost Somewhere in Time
Posts: 1,099
A truck driver is travelling down a lonely highway in west Texas. He is miles from the nearest gas station when he notices a car broke down on the side of the road. He decides he is going to help whoever is broke down since they are such a long distance from any help. As he slows down to the broken-down car, he notices two men standing next to the vehicle looking bewildered. He offers them a ride to the next town where they can get help for their car. The two men gladly except the truck driver's offer. They begin to celebrate, as they had been on the side of the road for several hours and were beginning to worry. Amidst their celebration, they fully embrace one another and begin to kiss. The truck driver realizes immediately that the two are flaming ___. He contemplates leaving the two, but realizes this would not be the right thing to do. As they begin to get into the cab of the truck, he sets the rules of the ride. He informs them that he is NOT ___. He tells the two that he does not want them to touch one another in any way, nor does he want them to touch him. He does not want to hear a single, solitary ___ sound or they will be dropped on the side of the road to fend for themselves. They agree. The three head down the highway toward the next town. Several miles later, the ___ man sitting beside the window passes gas. SSSSSSSSSSSS! The fart was silent, only letting out a faint whiff of a sound. The two ___ men chuckle sillily. The second ___ man decides to fart as well. SSSSSSSSSSSS! Again, a faint sound is heard. The two begin to chuckle again, sillily. After several farts back and forth, the truck driver decides he has had enough. He pulls the truck over to the side of the road, stops, lifts his leg, and then lets out the LOUDEST fart known to man. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAPPPP! He looks over at the two ___ men and says, now that is a fart. The two ___ men look back at the truck driver with a long blank stare... after a few seconds, the two reply, "Virgin."
----------------------------------------------
A man, travelling alone down the same lonesome Texas highway breaks down along th side of the road. After several hours of seeing no one, the man begins to worry that he will die out in the middle of nowhere. Soon, he sees headlights coming toward him. It is a big 18-wheeler. The truck stops next to him, and the driver offers to take him to the next town. The man quickly agrees and climbs into the cab. As he sits in the passenger seat, he notices a Chimpanzee peeking its head between the seats. He decides not to ask, as he doesn't want to offend the driver who had been so nice as to pick him up. After travelling several miles, the man's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, "What's the monkey for?"
The truck driver says, "Let me show you."
He slows the truck down and pulls to the side of the road and comes to a stop. He quickly grabs the chimp by the back of the head and begins to punch the chimp furiously in the face several times. He lets the monkey loose. It scampers wildly around in the cab of the truck screaming and yelling. The monkey finally stops running around the cab and climbs down by the driver's feet, unzips his fly and begins to give the driver a BJ. After finishing, the monkey zips up the driver's fly and climbs back between the two seats. The passenger, who had been very scared while the monkey ran wildly around the cab, stares at the driver in amazement. A single word flows from his lips. "WOW!!!" He exclaimed.
The truck driver asks the man, "Would you like to try?"
The man sits quietly, thinking for several moments...
He finally answers, "OK, as long as you promise not to hit me as hard as you hit the monkey."
----------------------------------------------
A man, travelling alone down the same lonesome Texas highway breaks down along th side of the road. After several hours of seeing no one, the man begins to worry that he will die out in the middle of nowhere. Soon, he sees headlights coming toward him. It is a big 18-wheeler. The truck stops next to him, and the driver offers to take him to the next town. The man quickly agrees and climbs into the cab. As he sits in the passenger seat, he notices a Chimpanzee peeking its head between the seats. He decides not to ask, as he doesn't want to offend the driver who had been so nice as to pick him up. After travelling several miles, the man's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, "What's the monkey for?"
The truck driver says, "Let me show you."
He slows the truck down and pulls to the side of the road and comes to a stop. He quickly grabs the chimp by the back of the head and begins to punch the chimp furiously in the face several times. He lets the monkey loose. It scampers wildly around in the cab of the truck screaming and yelling. The monkey finally stops running around the cab and climbs down by the driver's feet, unzips his fly and begins to give the driver a BJ. After finishing, the monkey zips up the driver's fly and climbs back between the two seats. The passenger, who had been very scared while the monkey ran wildly around the cab, stares at the driver in amazement. A single word flows from his lips. "WOW!!!" He exclaimed.
The truck driver asks the man, "Would you like to try?"
The man sits quietly, thinking for several moments...
He finally answers, "OK, as long as you promise not to hit me as hard as you hit the monkey."
10-31-2006, 09:37 PM
#388
Senior Member
SL Member
Team N.V.S.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,823
Three guys, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
Engineer
are all walking together one day. Suddenly they come across a lantern
and a
Genie pops out of it saying "I will grant each one of you one wish"
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever
made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan,
Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can't come into
our
precious new state."
Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge
wall
surrounding those three countries.
Seeing all this, the American Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please
tell
me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and
completely surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out, it's
virtually impenetrable."
The American Engineer thinks for a minute or two then states his wish -
"Fill it with water."
Engineer
are all walking together one day. Suddenly they come across a lantern
and a
Genie pops out of it saying "I will grant each one of you one wish"
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever
made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan,
Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can't come into
our
precious new state."
Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge
wall
surrounding those three countries.
Seeing all this, the American Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please
tell
me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and
completely surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out, it's
virtually impenetrable."
The American Engineer thinks for a minute or two then states his wish -
"Fill it with water."
10-31-2006, 11:22 PM
#391
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Coke-a-Cola, SC
Posts: 761
ooooooh...I just remembered an old one...
There's a man taking a long drive back home from vacation. He's on the highway and realizes that he has to take a really bad poop! He drove a couple miles and no exit is to be found. Driving along several more miles...still no exit. He has to go really bad by now and finally finds an exit with an abandoned gas station. He was sceptic about this gastation but didn't want to drive as long as he had to wait already so he gave it a shot. Found the bathroom and it was dirty...with doo-doo smeared all over the walls. He had to go really bad though...so he used it. After he was done, he realized there wasn't any toiletpaper. Where the toiletpaper dispencer once was there was a hole. Written above that hole was a note that said, "wipe @$$ with index and middle fingers and stick in this hole. Fingers will be licked clean." This guy was very sceptic again so he looked around for something else to use. After 20 minutes of unlucky searching, he went ahead and followed the note's instructions. He wiped his butt with his fingers and placed them in the hole. On the other side was a guy with two bricks and slammed them together on his fingers.
result:
There's a man taking a long drive back home from vacation. He's on the highway and realizes that he has to take a really bad poop! He drove a couple miles and no exit is to be found. Driving along several more miles...still no exit. He has to go really bad by now and finally finds an exit with an abandoned gas station. He was sceptic about this gastation but didn't want to drive as long as he had to wait already so he gave it a shot. Found the bathroom and it was dirty...with doo-doo smeared all over the walls. He had to go really bad though...so he used it. After he was done, he realized there wasn't any toiletpaper. Where the toiletpaper dispencer once was there was a hole. Written above that hole was a note that said, "wipe @$$ with index and middle fingers and stick in this hole. Fingers will be licked clean." This guy was very sceptic again so he looked around for something else to use. After 20 minutes of unlucky searching, he went ahead and followed the note's instructions. He wiped his butt with his fingers and placed them in the hole. On the other side was a guy with two bricks and slammed them together on his fingers.
result:
11-01-2006, 06:29 PM
#393
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 474
Ok, didnt see this one.
Blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog. Asks a passer-by if a market is nearby. Passer-by informs the blind man where it is. Blind man walks into the store, and stands by the check out lines. He proceeds to pick his dog up by the tail, and starts spinning him above his head in circles. Everyone stops and stares in horror. Finally the store manager walks and and asks in a pleading voice, "Sir, what may i ask are you doing?!" The blind man responds, "Just taking a look around."
Blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog. Asks a passer-by if a market is nearby. Passer-by informs the blind man where it is. Blind man walks into the store, and stands by the check out lines. He proceeds to pick his dog up by the tail, and starts spinning him above his head in circles. Everyone stops and stares in horror. Finally the store manager walks and and asks in a pleading voice, "Sir, what may i ask are you doing?!" The blind man responds, "Just taking a look around."
11-03-2006, 07:19 AM
#395
OMG! I can't believe i just finished reading ALLLLLL 16 pages of this thread!!! Took 2 days! (Reading it at work)
Okay, i have a bad/dirty one for ya'll:
A grandfather is telling is grandson about stories of his days in vietnam:
Grandfather: "I knew that morning when i woke up that it was going to be an aweful day! Everyone that was paratrooping out of the very plane i was on were all falling to their deaths. It was my turn to jump out when i cowarded back and shouted i couldn't do it! The trooper in command was a hefty black fellow. He told me if i didn't jump he was going to "stick it in my bum"
Grandson: "Did you jump grandpa!?"
Grandfather: "Just a little bit......."
Okay, i have a bad/dirty one for ya'll:
A grandfather is telling is grandson about stories of his days in vietnam:
Grandfather: "I knew that morning when i woke up that it was going to be an aweful day! Everyone that was paratrooping out of the very plane i was on were all falling to their deaths. It was my turn to jump out when i cowarded back and shouted i couldn't do it! The trooper in command was a hefty black fellow. He told me if i didn't jump he was going to "stick it in my bum"
Grandson: "Did you jump grandpa!?"
Grandfather: "Just a little bit......."
11-04-2006, 01:12 AM
#398
Senior Member
SL Member
Team N.V.S.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,823
in no way am i blasphemus or racist for posting this but i thought it was funny when i heard it. so here goes.
a black baby was given wings by god. he asked god "does this mean i'm an angel now?" god laughed and said "nah n***a, u just a bat!"
a black baby was given wings by god. he asked god "does this mean i'm an angel now?" god laughed and said "nah n***a, u just a bat!"
11-04-2006, 05:14 PM
#400
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Houston
Posts: 258
So this teacher had an assignment for her third grade class. She asked them to have their parents tell them a true story and there had to be a lesson learned from the experiance.
The next day the teacher called up a little girl and she told the story of how her parents raised chickens and sold the chicks after they were born. They had pre sold a dozen chicks, but in the end only 8 of them actually hatched. The lesson learned was don't count your chickens before they hatch.
The next little girl came up and told the story about how her parents were also farmers and raised chickens, only they sold the eggs to the market. One day they were on the way to the market and the basket that they kept the eggs in tipped over and they all broke. The lesson learned was don't keep all your eggs in one basket.
Little Billy was up next and his dad had told him the story of when his uncle Bob was in vietnam. His plane was shot down and all he had was a parachutte, a gun with 6 bullets, a knife and a fifth of whiskey. On the way down he drank the whiskry and when he landed he was surronded by 100 Vietnamese soilders. He took out his gun and killed 6 of them. He killed another 44 with his knife and killed the other 50 with his bare hands. When Billy was done telling the story his teacher looked at him in horror and asked what lesson could have possibly been learned from that. Little Billy said "Don't F*@k with uncle Bob when he's been drinkin!
The next day the teacher called up a little girl and she told the story of how her parents raised chickens and sold the chicks after they were born. They had pre sold a dozen chicks, but in the end only 8 of them actually hatched. The lesson learned was don't count your chickens before they hatch.
The next little girl came up and told the story about how her parents were also farmers and raised chickens, only they sold the eggs to the market. One day they were on the way to the market and the basket that they kept the eggs in tipped over and they all broke. The lesson learned was don't keep all your eggs in one basket.
Little Billy was up next and his dad had told him the story of when his uncle Bob was in vietnam. His plane was shot down and all he had was a parachutte, a gun with 6 bullets, a knife and a fifth of whiskey. On the way down he drank the whiskry and when he landed he was surronded by 100 Vietnamese soilders. He took out his gun and killed 6 of them. He killed another 44 with his knife and killed the other 50 with his bare hands. When Billy was done telling the story his teacher looked at him in horror and asked what lesson could have possibly been learned from that. Little Billy said "Don't F*@k with uncle Bob when he's been drinkin!