gjpjr84

Announcer: "And the winner for 'Biggest Posse' goes to........ Ja Rule!!"
Madonna: Jumping up out of her seat, "What!!"
Announcer: to Madonna, "Posse, Madonna, its Biggest Posse."
Madonna: sitting down, "Oh, OK."

tc-guy

LMAO!!! i bet Guy Ritchie catches alot of air pockets when he's doing the do with madonna.

Tito_Cruz

^^"oooohhhh no! We've got turbulence!"

tc-guy

When I got back from Canada last week I had a bunch of Canadian
dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the
local bank. It was a short line with just one guy in front of me...
an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

tc-guy

what time does michael jackson go to bed?.............................



when the big hand touches the little hand.

tC4italy

^^ at both

Tito_Cruz

my stomach hurts!

randomsuper

"POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICLY"


One day a little boy asked his father "whats the difference between realisticly and potentially?" the father said, "go ask ur mother if she would sleep with denzel washington for a million dollars and see what she says. then, go ask ur sister if she would sleep with michael jordan for a million dollars and see what she says." so the boy asks his mom if she would sleep with denzel washington for a million dollars and she said "yes. i wouldn`t pass that chance up for anything." then he asked his sister if she would sleep with michael jordan for a million dollars and she said the same thing her mom said. so 2 or 3 days passed and the father asked the boy if found out the difference between realisticly and potentially and the boy said, "potentially, we`re sittin on 2 million dollars, but realisticly, we`re living with two hoes.

jct

Medical Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or *****. But do you really now the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

***** - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the ***** to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

jwaj2002

driving styles

Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ___, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ___.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

dziuniek

hey mom! i had sex with my teacher today. bad timmy bad! go talk with your dad! dad... i had sex with my teacher. thats great son. the proud father goes off and buys his son a bicycle. timmy... why arent u driving ur bike? well dad..... my as$ still from the sex with the teacher...

xSTANDxSTRONGx

^^ouch


at the driving one.

tC4italy

tC4italy

The driving one is HILARIOUS

We all love ITALY
only foreign country on there!

xSTANDxSTRONGx

and it's accurate too, they just left out that if there's room for a car, it'll be there. if there's 2 wide lanes, you can be sure there will be at least 3 cars across.


+ a scooter.

tC4italy

^^ oh yeah especially american sized lanes!!!

xSTANDxSTRONGx

oh man, 2 USDM lanes....We're talkin like 4-5 cars across, easy! I was gonna rent a vespa or something, while I was there, then I saw the traffic and said kcuf that, I'll walk.

tC4italy

oh yeah sounds like Italy!!!

I was holding onto the oh $hit handles when my father drove in that pegeout the cars came sooooooooooooooo close to each other I would pat the other driver's back if the windows were down

xSTANDxSTRONGx

oh yeah, and I still didn't see one accident the whole 10 days I was there! unlike here (in SoCal) on the '2 fwy, there's an accident everyday, yet ppl drive like they have never seen one, like "STOP THE CAR, I ain't never seen nuthin like that b'fore! Well not since yesterday anyway."

jwaj2002

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis ***** in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.