the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
01-29-2007, 03:43 PM
#562
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A koala was sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past and looked up and said:
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala and they burned a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth was 'dry' and was going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side, then asked the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiii dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
when a little lizard walked past and looked up and said:
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala and they burned a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth was 'dry' and was going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side, then asked the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiii dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
02-07-2007, 03:36 PM
#569
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A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep ... every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim'round for a while. Then I whistle, and they jump right back into this ice chest, and I take'um home."
"That's a bunch of BS ... fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth ... I'll show you!
It really works!"
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
We in Texas may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most. You smart ones have a good day.
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep ... every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim'round for a while. Then I whistle, and they jump right back into this ice chest, and I take'um home."
"That's a bunch of BS ... fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth ... I'll show you!
It really works!"
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
We in Texas may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most. You smart ones have a good day.
02-12-2007, 11:06 PM
#570
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Posts: 13,961
Two guys from Hancock County are sitting quietly in a boat at Thomlinson
Run, fishing and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Run, fishing and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
02-12-2007, 11:18 PM
#571
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Posts: 13,961
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the
souls."
The man said,
"Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly
to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me
the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the
souls."
The man said,
"Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly
to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me
the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
good one
02-13-2007, 07:08 AM
#575
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 618
How to Catch a Polar Bear:
First you cut a hole in the ice.
Second you take a large can of peas and place them one by one around the hole in the ice.
Third you find a good hiding spot.
Then when the polar bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuney fish
Why do cemeteries have fences? Cause everyone's dying to get in
First you cut a hole in the ice.
Second you take a large can of peas and place them one by one around the hole in the ice.
Third you find a good hiding spot.
Then when the polar bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A tuney fish
Why do cemeteries have fences? Cause everyone's dying to get in
02-14-2007, 12:09 AM
#576
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire. Further studies are expected
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire. Further studies are expected
02-14-2007, 02:04 AM
#577
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied, "Er.... I think her orgasm is stuck!"
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied, "Er.... I think her orgasm is stuck!"
02-16-2007, 12:57 AM
#580
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Las Vegas. NV
Posts: 587
Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into
your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of
minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a
little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you
tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink
booties and I've got blue ones."
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into
your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of
minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a
little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you
tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink
booties and I've got blue ones."