the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
02-22-2006, 03:10 AM
#42
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 500
A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot
strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess
comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the
parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, _____."
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot,
but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the
parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another
whiskey, _____."
Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the
parrot, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such
slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked
you twice for a coffee, _____, now go and get it for me."
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man
and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out
of the airplane..
As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and
says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy
bastard."
strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess
comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the
parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, _____."
The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot,
but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the
parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another
whiskey, _____."
Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the
parrot, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such
slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked
you twice for a coffee, _____, now go and get it for me."
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man
and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out
of the airplane..
As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and
says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy
bastard."
02-22-2006, 07:07 PM
#43
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Scikotics
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 2,757
My favorite 3 on here. I almost got caught by the boss here at work after laughing at these. 
1. How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey! Wanna ride bikes?
Hey! Wanna ride bikes?
2. A priest, a rabbi and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender says" What is this, some kinda joke?"
3. Monica Lewinski is walking down the beach and trips over a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says, "You have released my from my 1000 year slumber. However, you haven't led the best of lives so I will grant you one wish instead of three."
"Well," says Monica "I've alredy been with a powerfull man. My book has made me rich. Umm, can you get rid of these love handles?"
"Your wish is my command." replies the genie.
*POOF*
Monica's ears dissappear.
"Well," says Monica "I've alredy been with a powerfull man. My book has made me rich. Umm, can you get rid of these love handles?"
"Your wish is my command." replies the genie.
*POOF*
Monica's ears dissappear.
02-22-2006, 10:23 PM
#46
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,270
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants.
The bartender says "isnt it uncomfortable having that steering wheel down your pants?"
The pirate says " Yarr, its driving me nuts!"
-----------
What did the blind, deaf and dumb parapalegic kid get for christmas?
Cancer
------------
Great link:
http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2792
The bartender says "isnt it uncomfortable having that steering wheel down your pants?"
The pirate says " Yarr, its driving me nuts!"
-----------
What did the blind, deaf and dumb parapalegic kid get for christmas?
Cancer
------------
Great link:
http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2792
02-23-2006, 01:07 AM
#48
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 309
A priest is taking confession when he has to poop. He grabs the janitor and tells him to "sit here and ask them what they've done and when someone tells you a sin just tell them to do what you think is right and say some Hail Marys". The janitor is sitting there a few minutes when a man comes in and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I cheated on my wife". To which the janitor replies "Tell your wife and say 10 Hail Marys". The man leaves and a few minutes later another man comes in and confesses "Forgive me father for I killed a man" . The janitor replies "Turn yourself in to the police and say 50 Hail Marys". More time passes and a woman sits down "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave my husband a BJ". The janitor is confused by this one. He happens to like BJ's and she's married so he doesn't see the harm. In a stroke of genious he sees an altar boy walking by and asks "What does the priest give for a BJ"? To which the altar boy replies.
"Two candy bars and a soda". Mark
"Two candy bars and a soda". Mark
02-23-2006, 12:18 PM
#49
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Bodymore, Murderland
Posts: 325
alright i got 3 of them
1."two pretzels are walking down the street one was assaulted"
2."a sandwich walks into a bar and the bartenders says we dont serve food here"
3."two guys walk into a bar the third guy ducks"
1."two pretzels are walking down the street one was assaulted"
2."a sandwich walks into a bar and the bartenders says we dont serve food here"
3."two guys walk into a bar the third guy ducks"
02-23-2006, 02:59 PM
#51
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Scikotics
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 2,757
Originally Posted by mfenske
A priest is taking confession when he has to poop. He grabs the janitor and tells him to "sit here and ask them what they've done and when someone tells you a sin just tell them to do what you think is right and say some Hail Marys". The janitor is sitting there a few minutes when a man comes in and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I cheated on my wife". To which the janitor replies "Tell your wife and say 10 Hail Marys". The man leaves and a few minutes later another man comes in and confesses "Forgive me father for I killed a man" . The janitor replies "Turn yourself in to the police and say 50 Hail Marys". More time passes and a woman sits down "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I gave my husband a BJ". The janitor is confused by this one. He happens to like BJ's and she's married so he doesn't see the harm. In a stroke of genious he sees an altar boy walking by and asks "What does the priest give for a BJ"? To which the altar boy replies.
"Two candy bars and a soda". Mark
"Two candy bars and a soda". Mark
02-23-2006, 03:32 PM
#52
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Houston
Posts: 258
Why wouldn't they let Hellen Keller Drive?
Because she was a woman
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You slap her
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction
Because she was a woman
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You slap her
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction
02-23-2006, 11:52 PM
#55
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Metro/Sticks/Everywhere
Posts: 852
I love this post! 
!!!
Oh were do Tornados eat at? ---------------------->Wendy's
And all these pirate jokes, please stop. I know for a fact
that they(pirates) don't appreciate them at all.
Once I met a pirate, and I said to him "People always make
jokes about your people, which I know probably makes ya
mad; So I asked him, why do pirates always
look Mad? He replied, because we aRrrrrrre!
*disclaimer* I never met a pirate before, that's a joke too.
I think this qualifies as a bad joke in general,
thanks for the opp
!!! Oh were do Tornados eat at? ---------------------->Wendy's
And all these pirate jokes, please stop. I know for a fact
that they(pirates) don't appreciate them at all.
Once I met a pirate, and I said to him "People always make
jokes about your people, which I know probably makes ya
mad; So I asked him, why do pirates always
look Mad? He replied, because we aRrrrrrre!
*disclaimer* I never met a pirate before, that's a joke too.
I think this qualifies as a bad joke in general,
thanks for the opp
02-24-2006, 01:50 AM
#56
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Houston
Posts: 258
A pirate goes to talk at a school for career day. He walks in and all of the kids are amazed because he has a peg for a leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye.
the first qustion was, "what happened to your leg"? The pirate repied "I jumped off me boat and a shark swam up and bit it off, so I had to repace it with this peg"
The next kid asked, "what happened to your hand?" The pirate replied "I was in battle and a cannon shot me hand off, and I had to replace it with this hook"
The next was, "was happened to your eye. The pirate replied "A bird pooped in me eye". One kid asked "and that made you lose your eye?" the pirate said "no, it happened the day after they gave me the hook!"
the first qustion was, "what happened to your leg"? The pirate repied "I jumped off me boat and a shark swam up and bit it off, so I had to repace it with this peg"
The next kid asked, "what happened to your hand?" The pirate replied "I was in battle and a cannon shot me hand off, and I had to replace it with this hook"
The next was, "was happened to your eye. The pirate replied "A bird pooped in me eye". One kid asked "and that made you lose your eye?" the pirate said "no, it happened the day after they gave me the hook!"
02-24-2006, 01:58 AM
#57
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1,356
Originally Posted by captainlaziness
Ok, get the kids out of the room for this one...
A guy walks into a bar and says "Bartender, gimme 6 shots of vodka."
The bartender lines 'em up and the downs them, one after another.
"Wow buddy, what's the occasion?"
" It was my first BJ." says the guy.
"Well, in that case the sevenths on the house"
"No thanks," says the man. "If six doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."
Ok, now. On 3 everyone say "eww, gross"
A guy walks into a bar and says "Bartender, gimme 6 shots of vodka."
The bartender lines 'em up and the downs them, one after another.
"Wow buddy, what's the occasion?"
" It was my first BJ." says the guy.
"Well, in that case the sevenths on the house"
"No thanks," says the man. "If six doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."
Ok, now. On 3 everyone say "eww, gross"
02-24-2006, 02:44 AM
#58
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Originally Posted by jeffrgunn23
A pirate goes to talk at a school for career day. He walks in and all of the kids are amazed because he has a peg for a leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye.
the first qustion was, "what happened to your leg"? The pirate repied "I jumped off me boat and a shark swam up and bit it off, so I had to repace it with this peg"
The next kid asked, "what happened to your hand?" The pirate replied "I was in battle and a cannon shot me hand off, and I had to replace it with this hook"
The next was, "was happened to your eye. The pirate replied "A bird pooped in me eye". One kid asked "and that made you lose your eye?" the pirate said "no, it happened the day after they gave me the hook!"
the first qustion was, "what happened to your leg"? The pirate repied "I jumped off me boat and a shark swam up and bit it off, so I had to repace it with this peg"
The next kid asked, "what happened to your hand?" The pirate replied "I was in battle and a cannon shot me hand off, and I had to replace it with this hook"
The next was, "was happened to your eye. The pirate replied "A bird pooped in me eye". One kid asked "and that made you lose your eye?" the pirate said "no, it happened the day after they gave me the hook!"
02-26-2006, 01:04 AM
#59
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 500
Here's another gem to groan at.
2 Guys were trying to come up with the name for Canada.
First guy: Okay, You are going to stand here, ay, and pull letters out of this hat, ay. Shout them to me over there at that markerboard. I'll write them down, over there, ay, and we'll re-arrange them.
The second guy nods and the the first guy goes over to the markerboard.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "C, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "N, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "D, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and the first guy yells"HEY WHOA!!!! I THINK WE GOT SOMTHING, AY.
2 Guys were trying to come up with the name for Canada.
First guy: Okay, You are going to stand here, ay, and pull letters out of this hat, ay. Shout them to me over there at that markerboard. I'll write them down, over there, ay, and we'll re-arrange them.
The second guy nods and the the first guy goes over to the markerboard.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "C, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "N, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and says "D, ay"
first guy writes it down.
Second guy pulls a letter out and the first guy yells"HEY WHOA!!!! I THINK WE GOT SOMTHING, AY.
02-26-2006, 01:28 AM
#60
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 500
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"