the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
very old
03-02-2007, 08:15 PM
#605
Senior Member
SL Member
Team N.V.S.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,823
Here is a good one for all u "managers" out there
3 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her Shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself
in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the
woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the
towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her
husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she
replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity!
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one
wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!
She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii
, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two slackers back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say!
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey
was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull____ might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there!
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm
he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate
him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ____s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of ____ is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ____, it's best to keep your mouth
shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course.
3 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her Shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself
in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands
Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the
woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the
towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her
husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she
replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun
went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity!
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one
wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!
She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii
, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two slackers back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say!
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got
the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey
was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull____ might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there!
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm
he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird
singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate
him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ____s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of ____ is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ____, it's best to keep your mouth
shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course.
03-03-2007, 12:40 AM
#613
Senior Member
SL Member
Scion Evolution
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Milrockee, WI
Posts: 592
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
03-03-2007, 12:41 AM
#614
Senior Member
SL Member
Scion Evolution
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Milrockee, WI
Posts: 592
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is ___," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is ___," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is ___," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
good one!
03-03-2007, 04:42 PM
#616
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Irvine, Ca.
Posts: 1,501
Ok, so two firemen were having g@y riproaring butt seks in a burning house. Another fireman comes in and says "what's going on?" the first one says "this guy was passed out from smoke inhilation" The third one says "Well then give him mouth to mouth!!!" The second one says "How the hell do you think this **** all got started???!!"
Haha! I think it's funny!!
And as for a really lame one you can tell the kids:
-What did the digital clock say to his mom??
-"Look mom, no hands!!"
I think it's cute!!
~Stephanie
Haha! I think it's funny!!
And as for a really lame one you can tell the kids:
-What did the digital clock say to his mom??
-"Look mom, no hands!!"
I think it's cute!!
~Stephanie
03-04-2007, 09:30 PM
#617
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Dark in Here!
A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.
A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold"
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.
03-05-2007, 12:45 AM
#619
Senior Member
Fail, INC
TOCC
SL Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Ico, Arkansas
Posts: 4,052
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that _____ knows I'm smarter than her.
FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that _____ knows I'm smarter than her.