the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
04-02-2007, 01:23 AM
#723
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Politicians
Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington , DC . The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger' n me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." Well," said the bigger gator, "What you been eatin', boy?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator. "Hmm. Well, where you been catchin' em?"
"Down to the side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus SUVs and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the poop out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the bigger alligator, " I think I see yer problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the poop out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an @%%hole and a briefcase."
joke has been edited you can figure out what the orginal words were
Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington , DC . The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger' n me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." Well," said the bigger gator, "What you been eatin', boy?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator. "Hmm. Well, where you been catchin' em?"
"Down to the side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus SUVs and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the poop out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the bigger alligator, " I think I see yer problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the poop out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an @%%hole and a briefcase."
joke has been edited you can figure out what the orginal words were
04-02-2007, 10:34 PM
#724
Senior Member
Team ScionEyed
SL Member
iTrader: (1)
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 3,703
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Mexican were sitting naked
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed
his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager" he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of
my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."
The Mexican felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the
sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper
hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at
him. The Mexican finally said.........., "Ay Dios Mio, will you look
at that?
I'm getting a fax.."
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed
his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager" he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of
my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."
The Mexican felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the
sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper
hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at
him. The Mexican finally said.........., "Ay Dios Mio, will you look
at that?
I'm getting a fax.."
lmao i'm getting a fax 
sofa king funny!!!
04-03-2007, 12:49 AM
#726
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Suspenders
===========
One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing
nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at
the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari
pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich
man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck.
Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky
tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a
challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"
Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super
long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between
the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.
They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and
do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it.
So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the
redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.
The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell
they took off.
The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to
second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the
pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time."
the rich man thought.
Suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.
"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th
gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the
pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.
RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto
went flying by again!
"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up
into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari
was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again
the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.
RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again,
practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.
Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side
of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as
the redneck backed up next to his car.
"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.
The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua
and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR
DOOR!!"
===========
One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing
nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at
the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari
pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich
man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck.
Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky
tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a
challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"
Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super
long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between
the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.
They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and
do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it.
So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the
redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.
The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell
they took off.
The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to
second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the
pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time."
the rich man thought.
Suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.
"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th
gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the
pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.
RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto
went flying by again!
"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up
into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari
was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again
the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.
RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again,
practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.
Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side
of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as
the redneck backed up next to his car.
"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.
The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua
and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR
DOOR!!"
04-06-2007, 03:50 AM
#729
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 151
Lies Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
im so showing that to my extreme right wing boss
04-10-2007, 04:31 PM
#734
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Coke-a-Cola, SC
Posts: 761
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to ____ all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to ____ all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
04-11-2007, 02:15 AM
#736
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
i got this one from this thread pretty good joke slightly edited...
https://www.scionlife.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=170328
https://www.scionlife.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=170328
Originally Posted by SilyOtter
got a speeding ticket for doing 48. in a 45 zone. but since there was construction it was posted 30mph.. . but at least the cop was nice.. when he asked whey he pulled me over.. i said because my girlfriend ran away with a cop and i thought you were trying to bring her back... .. he laughed. and kept writing..
04-11-2007, 05:22 PM
#737
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Laurel, MD
Posts: 5,114
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a
professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you
still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a
professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you
still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."