I-Fly-High

Worlds shortist book!!!

***********************



FRENCH WAR HEROES



by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY



by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________





MY BEAUTY SECRETS



by Janet Reno _________________________________________________



MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA



by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________





THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL


by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________
Sequel:



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY


By Bill Clinton
___________________________________





MY LITTLE BOOK OF
PERSONAL HYGIENE



by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________





THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD



by Bill Gates

____________________________________< FONT face=Arial color=black size=2>



THINGS I WOULD NOT
DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

__________________________________


THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry


_______________________________________


AMELIA EARHART'S
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC


___________________________________


A COLLECTION of
MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian


__________________________________




ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel



____________________________________



GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson



__________________________________



THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY



_______________________________________



MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

_________________________________________



HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

___________________________________



MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************





A Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

jct

Porsche For Sale




A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car???"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents, we know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder.

"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name. They just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?

John, you go right up there and see what's going on!"

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."



(Are women good or what?)

xSTANDxSTRONGx

THat's the same thing in that situation

jct

The Box Under Bill & Hillary's Bed

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am
putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were
3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. >
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now
that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as
to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary
dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all
these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our
bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know - why do you keep the 3 beer cans
in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked , but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.
However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3
times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged
and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So
why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for
cash."

mrfuzzy4

Woah FTW! double claps for that!

kanundrum

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."



About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:



Dear Mom: I'm not saying that

you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.



Love, Brian



Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:



Dear Son:



I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.



Love, Mom



LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Fsu1dolfan

/\

scionofPCFL

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old
lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she
replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."

xSTANDxSTRONGx

^^*looking around* Where is that vomit emoticon...I know i left it around here somewhere.

matt_a

Lost at Lowe's

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe's when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big *****, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "It doesn't matter... let's look for yours."

SicktC06

^

I-Fly-High

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Keep your dreams in your heart and a smile on your face.

jct

Fsu1dolfan

The Smiths Joke was freakin hilarious!!!

taken from scikotics:

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
"I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

___MmmBoxy___

Oh that's good....that's good!!

Us women are so witty, aren't we!!!

~Stephanie

tC4italy

the smith was nice

matt_a

The welfare office

A guy walked into the local welfare office,

marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The receptionist behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull$hittin' me!"

The receptionist said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it."

I-Fly-High

I love that joke!^^^^^^

xSTANDxSTRONGx

When Peter Marshall was the host of Holly wood Squares , the game show responses were spontaneous, not
scripted, as they are now. Here are some of those spontaneous responses.
*
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A.** Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.** **


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
**A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
**

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
**A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
**

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
**A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
**

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
**A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
**

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
**A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
**

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
**A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

**
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
**A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
apartment.** **


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
**A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.**


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
**A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
**

Q. Charley, you've just decided to gro w strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
**A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
**

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
**A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
**

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.** **One is politics, what is the other?
**A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.**


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
**A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
**

Q. Can boys join the **Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


* **Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?***
***A. Charley Weaver: His feet.**


**Q.** **According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
never do in bed?**
**A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.**

Rabid_Lemming

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my ***** to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."