jct

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I
can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how
I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

chicotunner07

HAHAHAHAHA
too funnny.....too true!!!

chicotunner07

I dont know if these have been posted

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, the monkey immediatly jumps off onto the bar, grabs a cherry and eats it, he then grabs a peanut and eats it, then grabs an olive and eats it.
the bartender says, "hey ur monkey is eating everything in sight"
man replies " ill pay for everything he eats"
monky then jumps on the pool table and eats a billiard ball
bartender "ur monkey swallowed a pool ball whole!!"
man replies " ill pay for it"

a week later man returns with the same monky
this time, the monky jumps on the bar, takes a cherry, puts it up his butt, takes it out then eats it. then takes a peanut, puts it up his butt, takes it out, then eats it
bartender say "ur monky is nuts hes putting everything in his ___ then eating it"
man replies " yeah, ever since he had to ____t out that pool ball, he measures everything first"

chicotunner07

a kid is working at a fruitstand, gets a call from his uncle
uncle says "hey son, i want u to come work for me, i have the best fruit stand in town, come down and see for urself"
the kid decides to check it out, but when he gets there all he sees are peaches, good for nothin peaches!
kid says "uncle, these are nothin but peaches, this cant possibly be the best fruitstand in town, are u crazy!"
uncle says "i know son, but i have a peach of any flavor u want, go ahead tell me what flavor peach u want"
kid says "ok uncle gimme an apple flavor peach(rolls his eyes)
his uncle picks one up smelt it, felt it, and tossed it to him
kid bites into it CRUNCH
kid says "damm unc, this even crunched like an apple!!"
uncle says "i told u i wasnt lyin, go ahead gimme a challenge"
kid says "ok then, gimme a peanutbutter&jelly peach"
uncle picks one up felt it, smelt it, and tossed it to him
kid bites it but says "hey uncle i only taste peanutbutter"
uncle says "turn it around, turn it around"
sure enough the other side tasted like jelly!!!
kid says "damm, ok, gimme a ham&cheese peach!!!"
uncle picks one up, smelt it felt it, and tossed it to him
kid bites it and says " hey this tastes like cheese!!!
uncle says "turn it around turn it around
sure enough the other side tastes like ham
kid says "ok uncle, gimme me.......a PU55Y flavor one!!!"
uncle picks one up, smelt it, felt it, and tossed it to him
kid bites it and yells!!! "dam unc, this tastes like ***
uncle says "turn it around, turn it around"

jct

Subject: Bill & Hill



Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row,
with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the
agent, and shakes his head.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the
entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy. "

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the
fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her
pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "I'll kill you! You
@#$!&&&&&&&&*%$%**!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,
hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.


Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent
and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone
would enjoy that!"

Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Mr. President, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out
the first "Pitch".

jct

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"



"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.





Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.




"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.



"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

jct

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/oukoe_uk_germany_girl

Mon May 21, 12:17 PM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - A nine-year-old German girl was so upset about having to tidy her room she put up a sign in her window urging passers-by to call police for help.

Pedestrians in the central city of Braunschweig saw the girl crying in the window, holding up a sign up saying "Help! Please call the police!" Next to her sat a small boy.

Quickly alerted, officers rushed to the scene to discover the girl had rowed with her mother about tidying her room and enlisted her two-year-old brother's aid to attract attention.

"The room looked like a battlefield," said a spokesman for local police on Monday. "Officers told the girl to tidy her room. When they came back two hours later to check, it was all cleaned up. And the mother and daughter had made up too."

kanundrum

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands up.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the b$tches."

kanundrum

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why, .. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

dgHotLava

now the better answer is her belly button....or belt buckle.

tC4italy

awesome

matt_a

A lady was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed & margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible argument with him.

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "Midnight". He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When asked why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh $hit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

___MmmBoxy___

Haha! Nice!!

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?




One's made out of plastic and is bad for your children, and the other's just a bag.

~Stephanie

tC4italy

OMFG

Tito_Cruz

posted that one already...but I don't blame you...there's 42 pages!

___MmmBoxy___

Ya, I loved that one!!

~Stephanie

citizen01

I love pretty much any joke that ends poorly for a cop. That 6ft @sshole one was pretty good.

jct

Tito_Cruz

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize
it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."

''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex?

Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"

kanundrum

^^