the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
true!
06-06-2007, 02:04 AM
#843
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SL Member
Team N.V.S.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,823
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!!
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!!
06-08-2007, 02:39 PM
#846
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Coke-a-Cola, SC
Posts: 761
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
06-09-2007, 01:13 AM
#847
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's erotic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself! , I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself! , I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
06-10-2007, 05:28 PM
#848
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SL Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Coke-a-Cola, SC
Posts: 761
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…"
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn—this thing must be an hour fast!"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…"
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn—this thing must be an hour fast!"
06-18-2007, 02:08 PM
#851
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SL Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Redneck Riveria
Posts: 2,409
Ole & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
"Could I see him?"
So Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic ?
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
"Could I see him?"
So Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic ?
that's great! 
06-18-2007, 02:43 PM
#854
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SL Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Royal Post Palace
Posts: 14,092
Originally Posted by duck_dodgers_24_5
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's erotic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
heroic 
06-19-2007, 11:55 PM
#855
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SL Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Las Vegas. NV
Posts: 587
Dear Abby
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependant on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation.
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependant on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation.
07-01-2007, 10:19 PM
#856
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. (Not that any of you are that!)
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now ‘cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now ‘cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
07-01-2007, 10:20 PM
#857
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SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
. Suicide Jumper
If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the link below.
It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed.
It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
By the faces of the bystanders, I believe this photo to be real.
Click here: http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the link below.
It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed.
It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
By the faces of the bystanders, I believe this photo to be real.
Click here: http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
07-02-2007, 10:00 PM
#860
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SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
i'm not yelling just got it like this in my email and just copying and pasting
A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS
ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA WIDE OPEN.
HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN
YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"
THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS
OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS NEARLY FINISHED WITH HIS
PAPERWORK, HE SUDDENLY NOTICED HIS PANTS ZIPPER WAS DOWN.
HE ZIPPED UP REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY TOLD HIM, AND FINALLY
UNDERSTOOD. THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF
COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.
WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE ASKED, "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR
OPEN, DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED THERE?"
THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND REPLIED, "NO BOSS I DIDN'T.
ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES".
A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS
ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA WIDE OPEN.
HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN
YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"
THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS
OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS NEARLY FINISHED WITH HIS
PAPERWORK, HE SUDDENLY NOTICED HIS PANTS ZIPPER WAS DOWN.
HE ZIPPED UP REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY TOLD HIM, AND FINALLY
UNDERSTOOD. THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF
COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.
WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE ASKED, "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR
OPEN, DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED THERE?"
THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND REPLIED, "NO BOSS I DIDN'T.
ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES".