ilovemytC

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off
from his *****. According to the nurse attending, the patient's mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his ***** while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse...

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on
your *****.
3) Or finding out your ***** fits through your wedding ring!

13edge

An Italian boy has a dream to go to school in America, and it comes true as he is accepted to Columbia University in New York. In his junior year, his dad flies over from Italy to visit him.
Eager to please his dad, the son asks what he would like to do in America. The father says, "This is'a America. I'd a like'a to go'a to a baseball game."
They head down to Yankee Stadium, and as luck would have it, it's oldtimers day.
Roger Maris comes up to bat and hits a grounder up the middle. The father stands up and shouts, "Run'a, Roger, Run!"
Mickey Mantle comes up next and hit's one off the left field wall. The father stands up and shouts, "Run'a, Mickey, Run!"
Joe DiMaggio steps to the plate and the pitcher walks him. The father stands up and shouts, "Run'a, Joe, Run!"
"No dad," says the son, "He has four *****. He gets to walk."
"Four'a *****?" Amazed, the father says solemnly, "Walk'a proud, Joe, walk'a proud."

tC4italy

No one in Italy talks like that. LOL Not a lot of people know english

I-Fly-High

Marriage
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?"
he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"

"Yes, I do remember," she replied.

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today."

tC4italy

ouch!!!

tc-guy

that was pretty funny fly high.

I-Fly-High

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners :

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out:

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."

Weddings:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

tC4italy

oooooooooooooooouch! wow u come up with some burns

jct

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and
a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Gonzales said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said.

"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to
every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."

foreverandaminute

interesting take

I-Fly-High

A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom,
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is
alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy" At this
point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and
whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

I-Fly-High

1 - Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2 -I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3 - A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4 - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over the re and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5 - Several years ago, we had an intern at work who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper,"
the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies.

6 - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back of the motor home to make a sandwich.

7 - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8 - Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connected it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.

9 - A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room because the kid had eaten some ants.
The dispatcher told her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother said "Thanks, because all I gave him was some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
REMEMBER...YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID!!!!!!!!!

tCtCtC

I-Fly-High

WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine:
This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just
been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

3. Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually
end in fine.

4. Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you about
nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning
of nothing.)

6. That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements
a women can make to a man. That's okay means
she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question,
or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever:
Is a women's way of saying F You!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is
something that a woman has told a man to do
several times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to #3.

13edge

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a ___
bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

When the ___ waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name
of your wee-wee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a
drink."

The ___ waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell
me
the name of your wee-wee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls
his,
Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give
him
a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his
left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty
cowboy
asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a
lickin'
and! keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who
happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
Quality
is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next t to him t hen says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'"
and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up
with a name.

He exclaims, "The name of my wee-wee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a dang
beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look
asked, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says:

"Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN"

tC4italy

lol

IFlyHigh - sap posted that a while back, I must admit that yup that pretty much is VERY exact

I-Fly-High

Its worth posting twice!

tC4italy

yup also 20 times as long as u guys get it

jwaj2002

see those rules are why I don't date, screw that I'd rather be single then have to deal with all that trouble!

13edge

Bah, go date dude. Those rules only apply if you actively listen.