the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
08-09-2007, 09:19 PM
#941
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 662
haha heres my last one
Three guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points to the guy in the middle and says, "Hey you! I just screwed your mom and it was soooo great!" By then everyone was expecting a fight. But the guy didn't do nothing. So the Drunk man goes and sits in the other side of the bar.
15 minutes later he comes back and points at the same guy and says, "I just had the sex with your mom, and it was SWEEET.." Everyone was really expecting a fight this time, but then again nothing happened and the Drunk man goes back to the other side of the bar.
Then again another 15 min. pass and the guy comes back and says, "I saw..." and the other man interuped him, turned to him and says, "Dad, your drunk! Go Home!"
Three guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points to the guy in the middle and says, "Hey you! I just screwed your mom and it was soooo great!" By then everyone was expecting a fight. But the guy didn't do nothing. So the Drunk man goes and sits in the other side of the bar.
15 minutes later he comes back and points at the same guy and says, "I just had the sex with your mom, and it was SWEEET.." Everyone was really expecting a fight this time, but then again nothing happened and the Drunk man goes back to the other side of the bar.
Then again another 15 min. pass and the guy comes back and says, "I saw..." and the other man interuped him, turned to him and says, "Dad, your drunk! Go Home!"
08-09-2007, 10:23 PM
#942
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
A HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
with Dr. Kenmiester:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 10% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry, can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
with Dr. Kenmiester:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 10% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry, can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
08-10-2007, 05:35 AM
#944
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 818
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I’ll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Honda, YOU ride in it!!"
08-22-2007, 09:57 PM
#949
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneez es, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful,
wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
Wait for it. .
It's c oming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneez es, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful,
wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
Wait for it. .
It's c oming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
08-26-2007, 02:11 AM
#953
Senior Member
Scion Dynasty
SL Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Guess...
Posts: 747
this is from Lazyboy - Underware goes inside your pants
----------------rated R beyond this line----------------
some funny and true stuff!
this kinda stuff really makes ya think, doesnt it?
----------------rated R beyond this line----------------
Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what's not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We're dedicating all our medical
resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we're putting people in jail for
something that grows in the dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can't watch TV for four minutes
without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?"
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is,
people running in fields or flying kites
or swimming in the ocean.
I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools now? It is all about
self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids' self-esteem,
make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What's going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don't just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?
Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty
way to describe what these guys do, don't you think?
They're not masterminds.
- "OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?"
- "Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just..?"
- "Who's the ******* mastermind here? Me or you?"
Americans, let's face it:
We've been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio.
Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
"How'd you get through it grandpa?"
"Oh, it was horrible Johnny,
there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere."
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I'll sit at a drive thru.
I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized.
Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel
you fat mother ******. There's room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that?
It's only three more cents.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school,
do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ___ before you start to think,
"You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them."
We're in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then
I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do?
Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack?
He's homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy
and says why don't you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing
his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants.
I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date.
I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.
I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a
"underwear goes inside the pants" policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly,
but technically I'm sure it is on the books.
It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what's not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We're dedicating all our medical
resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we're putting people in jail for
something that grows in the dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can't watch TV for four minutes
without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?"
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is,
people running in fields or flying kites
or swimming in the ocean.
I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools now? It is all about
self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids' self-esteem,
make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What's going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don't just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?
Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty
way to describe what these guys do, don't you think?
They're not masterminds.
- "OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?"
- "Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just..?"
- "Who's the ******* mastermind here? Me or you?"
Americans, let's face it:
We've been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio.
Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
"How'd you get through it grandpa?"
"Oh, it was horrible Johnny,
there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere."
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I'll sit at a drive thru.
I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized.
Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel
you fat mother ******. There's room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that?
It's only three more cents.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school,
do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ___ before you start to think,
"You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them."
We're in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then
I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do?
Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack?
He's homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy
and says why don't you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing
his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants.
I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date.
I'm predicting some problems during the interview process.
I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a
"underwear goes inside the pants" policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly,
but technically I'm sure it is on the books.
this kinda stuff really makes ya think, doesnt it?
08-26-2007, 11:10 PM
#955
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Royal Post Palace
Posts: 14,092
Originally Posted by foreverandaminute
i never give them money, but offer them food
...one time, a homeless person started acting all crazy and angry when that happened
...one time, a homeless person started acting all crazy and angry when that happened
08-27-2007, 04:45 AM
#957
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 982
a little native american boy asks his father one day "Father, how did me and my brothers get our names?" the father says "Well, Son...one day we looked out of our teepee and saw a baby wolf across the river, that's why your older brother's name is Little Wolf" the boy then asks about his younger brother's name. "Well Son, one day we looked out of our teepee and saw a beautiful bird flying through the sky, that's why your baby brother's name is Brown Hawk" the father looks at his Son and says "Why do you ask, Two Dogs F@%!ng?"
08-28-2007, 12:03 AM
#959
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 818
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"
08-28-2007, 01:06 AM
#960
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In Detention block AA-23!
Posts: 913
The best OJ joke I've ever heard: 
Q: What did Nicole Simpson say to Ron Goldman as he was performing oral sex on her ???
A: Sure tastes good huhhhh, but watch out, cuz the JUICE might kill you !!!
Q: What did Nicole Simpson say to Ron Goldman as he was performing oral sex on her ???
A: Sure tastes good huhhhh, but watch out, cuz the JUICE might kill you !!!