the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
09-05-2007, 10:58 PM
#962
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Las Vegas. NV
Posts: 587
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
Women will never be equal to men
and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
Women will never be equal to men
and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!
09-06-2007, 11:16 PM
#966
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
The insurance firm put a sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED.
You must be a good typist and have good computer skills.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later a lovely Dachshund trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign,
looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager.
He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant.
However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type
a perfect business letter.
He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him,
then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantast ic,
but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate
his expertise with various programs. He produced a sample Excel spreadsheet,
a sample Power Point presentation, retouched a picture with Photo shop,
and then printed all of them for the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded.
He said to the dog, "Listen, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant
and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog! There's no way I can hire you!"
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window
and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says.
But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye............................................
and said, "Meow."
You must be a good typist and have good computer skills.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later a lovely Dachshund trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign,
looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager.
He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant.
However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type
a perfect business letter.
He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him,
then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantast ic,
but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate
his expertise with various programs. He produced a sample Excel spreadsheet,
a sample Power Point presentation, retouched a picture with Photo shop,
and then printed all of them for the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded.
He said to the dog, "Listen, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant
and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog! There's no way I can hire you!"
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window
and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says.
But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye............................................
and said, "Meow."
awesome
09-09-2007, 04:14 AM
#970
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Marianna, FL
Posts: 270
09-09-2007, 10:29 PM
#972
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,781
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
09-10-2007, 03:12 PM
#976
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: 707
Posts: 575
Originally Posted by CricketC
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
09-15-2007, 06:40 PM
#979
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 3,781
A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"