the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
11-08-2007, 10:57 PM
#1061
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Originally Posted by kanundrum
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and
was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk
stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laught er), a nd who had watched
the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the poop out of a ghost."
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and
was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk
stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laught er), a nd who had watched
the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the poop out of a ghost."
11-09-2007, 01:28 PM
#1062
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Laurel, MD
Posts: 5,114
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps, accidentally, on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and rugged.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps, accidentally, on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and rugged.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
11-09-2007, 02:55 PM
#1063
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: 954! oh yeah...
Posts: 4,188
Originally Posted by Dispatcher138
Originally Posted by chicotunner07
did you at least hold on for ten second, u guess u got thrown off pretty quickly!! lol
haha it was like 2 seconds then she realized what I said then no joke ( even though this is the joke thread) I literally held onto her and she was like eff you get the eff off you sick mothereffer and then the ***** slap came along and it was all over...so probaly held on a total of 5 seconds. In all seriousness I thought it was funny but I'm not going to do it again.
or at least had!!
way to go dude!!
11-10-2007, 03:11 AM
#1064
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Redneck Riveria
Posts: 2,409
A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note: Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note: Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
11-11-2007, 05:06 PM
#1065
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Royal Post Palace
Posts: 14,092
Originally Posted by chicotunner07
Originally Posted by Dispatcher138
Originally Posted by chicotunner07
did you at least hold on for ten second, u guess u got thrown off pretty quickly!! lol
haha it was like 2 seconds then she realized what I said then no joke ( even though this is the joke thread) I literally held onto her and she was like eff you get the eff off you sick mothereffer and then the ***** slap came along and it was all over...so probaly held on a total of 5 seconds. In all seriousness I thought it was funny but I'm not going to do it again.
or at least had!!
way to go dude!!
11-11-2007, 05:45 PM
#1066
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Originally Posted by tC4italy
Originally Posted by chicotunner07
Originally Posted by Dispatcher138
Originally Posted by chicotunner07
did you at least hold on for ten second, u guess u got thrown off pretty quickly!! lol
haha it was like 2 seconds then she realized what I said then no joke ( even though this is the joke thread) I literally held onto her and she was like eff you get the eff off you sick mothereffer and then the ***** slap came along and it was all over...so probaly held on a total of 5 seconds. In all seriousness I thought it was funny but I'm not going to do it again.
or at least had!!
way to go dude!!
11-16-2007, 03:52 AM
#1068
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SL Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 818
You are what you drive:
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I'm impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a pimp.
Cadillac Seville - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Dodge Dakota - I've always wanted a womans pickup truck.
Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart).
Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one ********.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic.
Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment.
Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50.
Mercedes 560SEL - I'm dating a mechanic.
Mercedes ML320 - I'm a badass soccer mom.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB - I'm dating a little person.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Nissan Maxima - I couldn't afford an Infiniti.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who's driving a Blazer.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Pontiac GTO - Gas, tires, & orgasms.
Pontiac Aztek - Too easy.
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie.
Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic).
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet.
Toyota Land Cruiser- I would go off road if I could.
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet.
Volkswagen Microbus - I'm trippin right now.
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I'm very frightened of my wife
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I'm impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a pimp.
Cadillac Seville - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Dodge Dakota - I've always wanted a womans pickup truck.
Ferrari Testarossa - I'm known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart).
Ford Mustang Cobra - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one ********.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Lincoln Navigator - I love scaring the crap out of the guy who is driving a civic.
Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment.
Mercedes 500SL - I can go 0-60 in about 6 seconds if the car doesnt fall apart at 50.
Mercedes 560SEL - I'm dating a mechanic.
Mercedes ML320 - I'm a badass soccer mom.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB - I'm dating a little person.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Nissan Maxima - I couldn't afford an Infiniti.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Oldsmobille Bravada - I laugh in the face of the guy who's driving a Blazer.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Pontiac GTO - Gas, tires, & orgasms.
Pontiac Aztek - Too easy.
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie.
Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic).
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet.
Toyota Land Cruiser- I would go off road if I could.
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet.
Volkswagen Microbus - I'm trippin right now.
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I'm very frightened of my wife
11-17-2007, 12:53 AM
#1070
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
i'd buy one of these
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather. they are nice cars just swap out the engine to some thing bigger say a 440 6-bbl and upgrade the suspension man thats a nice car
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather. they are nice cars just swap out the engine to some thing bigger say a 440 6-bbl and upgrade the suspension man thats a nice car
11-25-2007, 09:07 PM
#1073
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SL Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Coke-a-Cola, SC
Posts: 761
Little Michael was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse", she replied.
Little Michael just said, "Oh, okay" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!
"It's called sexual intercourse", she replied.
Little Michael just said, "Oh, okay" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!
12-17-2007, 08:11 AM
#1075
I was reading an article that says smoking is bad. So I quit smoking
I was reading an article that says drinking is bad. So I quit drinking
I was raeding an article that says sex is bad and i stopped reading that S***
(sounds funnier in spanish)
what the speed limit for having sex?
68 cause at 69 you flip
why do women have *****.
so you have something to look at while ur talking to them.
I was reading an article that says drinking is bad. So I quit drinking
I was raeding an article that says sex is bad and i stopped reading that S***
(sounds funnier in spanish)
what the speed limit for having sex?
68 cause at 69 you flip
why do women have *****.
so you have something to look at while ur talking to them.
12-27-2007, 04:36 AM
#1077
Senior Member
SL Member
Scion Evolution
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Milrockee, WI
Posts: 592
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top accidentally knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground.
The boss looked up at the worker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "F**K HE'S DEAD"
The boss looked up at the worker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "F**K HE'S DEAD"
