the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
03-14-2006, 07:30 PM
#102
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Scikotics
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 2,757
Originally Posted by lunchbx05
if a women with big ***** works at hooters, where does a one legged women work at..........IHOP
03-14-2006, 10:37 PM
#103
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he
fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he
fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Some old men can still think fast...
03-15-2006, 04:11 PM
#106
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Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 2,757
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
03-15-2006, 04:14 PM
#107
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 2,757
A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night.
One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.
The first boy arrived and said:
Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re going steady, is she ready?
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.
The second boy arrived and said:
Hi, I’m Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.
The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said:
Hi, I’m Chuck... Before he could finish the farmer shot him.
One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.
The first boy arrived and said:
Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re going steady, is she ready?
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.
The second boy arrived and said:
Hi, I’m Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.
The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said:
Hi, I’m Chuck... Before he could finish the farmer shot him.
03-15-2006, 09:38 PM
#108
Originally Posted by THansenite
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
figure that one out... hate to be that barber...
03-15-2006, 09:41 PM
#109
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SL Member
Scinergy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Castle Rock, Colorado
Posts: 4,088
Originally Posted by skrewCYCO
Originally Posted by THansenite
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
figure that one out... hate to be that barber...
03-15-2006, 09:49 PM
#110
Originally Posted by Frosty355
Originally Posted by skrewCYCO
Originally Posted by THansenite
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
figure that one out... hate to be that barber... lol "My ear! My ear!"
03-15-2006, 10:02 PM
#111
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SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Why I fired my secretary . . .
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the
office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go
out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest
thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined
instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and
I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the
office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to
my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right
back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of
my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the
office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go
out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest
thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined
instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and
I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the
office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to
my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right
back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of
my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked
03-16-2006, 02:33 AM
#115
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Chapin, SC
Posts: 517
looking thru some old ( 80's ) pix, i came across this one of my old Vega ( sorry if i copied it here wrong--1st time ).
I can no longer make fun of today's youth running around with fart can mufflers on their beaters......
See the "Thrush" sticker on side window? Yep, i was one of the originals doing just that.... and I sure thought it sounded cool..... man, joke's on me...
I can no longer make fun of today's youth running around with fart can mufflers on their beaters......
See the "Thrush" sticker on side window? Yep, i was one of the originals doing just that.... and I sure thought it sounded cool..... man, joke's on me...
03-16-2006, 11:49 AM
#116
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SL Member
Team ScioNRG
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: NH
Posts: 1,046
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him
that she is staying home because she's not feeling
well.
"What's the matter?", he asks.
"I have a case of **** glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.
"What in the hell is **** glaucoma?"
"Well, I just can't see my ___ coming to work
today. "
that she is staying home because she's not feeling
well.
"What's the matter?", he asks.
"I have a case of **** glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.
"What in the hell is **** glaucoma?"
"Well, I just can't see my ___ coming to work
today. "
03-16-2006, 04:07 PM
#117
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SL Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Chapin, SC
Posts: 517
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is ! shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is ! shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit KissMe."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
03-16-2006, 05:27 PM
#119
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: White Bear Lake, MN
Posts: 305
to combine this thread with the deadhead thread:
Where do you hide something froma Deadhead?
Under the soap.
What does a Deadhead say when he runs outta drugs?
"What's that terrible sound?"
Where do you hide something froma Deadhead?
Under the soap.
What does a Deadhead say when he runs outta drugs?
"What's that terrible sound?"