jct

EFFECTIVE JANUARY 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

chicotunner07

^^HAHAHAHA

the peeps at my office are gonna love this! LOL

did my company's owner write that?

richmond2000

why do mechanics hate doing accounting?




because if they "fix" the books they go to Jail!

ShawnBenton

if carrots got you drunk.. rabbits would be f*cked up.

chicotunner07

^i fail to understand funny??

jct

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out 'Have you seen my parakeet?'

jct

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" " Well, It's Not Unusual."

jct

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, 'That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.' Morris hung his head and whispered,' To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.'

jct

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog,' said the grocer. 'It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.' But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 'Oh, he died,' the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, 'I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.' 'Well, the boy replied, 'I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.' 'Oh? What was it then?' 'I think it was the spin cycle!'

jct

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?' A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It's my dog. Why?'

'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.' 'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?' 'Sir,' answered the little man, 'it's a little four week old female puppy.' 'Bull!' roared the biker, 'how could your puppy kill my Doberman?' 'It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.'

jct

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

jct

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. 'There's no way they can catch a BMW,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. 'What the heck am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. 'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.' The guy thinks for a second and says, 'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.' 'Have a nice weekend,' said the officer.

jct

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy, what's your name?' 'Sam,' the man moaned. 'Where ya from, Sam?' With pain in his voice Sam replied 'The balcony.'

jct

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice 'JESUS is watching you'. He looks around with his flashlight wandering 'What The HELL Was That?'. He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice ' JESUS is watching you'. He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ' Was that your voice?'. It said 'YES'. He then says 'What's your name?'. It says 'MOSES'. The burglar says ' What kind of person names his bird moses??' The parrot replys 'THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER 'JESUS'.

matt_a

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun ki ss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK";the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

EDDIEA123

iTrader: (5)

^LMAO!!!! Man those jokes made my day! Thanks duck_dodgers_24_5

kiss_kiss_kill

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ WalMart

chicotunner07

^repost! lol

but still hilarious as hell!!! LMAO

13edge

Found this on the web...

Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys
. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

tc-guy

Drunk on the Toilet:

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
Later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.

'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!'

'I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my *********.'

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...'you idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!'