jct

sweet

greybox

What color is a smurf when he's choking?

jct

they turn green... i tried that once and it didn't go well i was choking Brainy Smurf because he gave me to wrong answer to my homework and papa smurf jumped in the fight and beat the hell out of me he's stronger than he looks. i still haven't fully recovered...

foreverandaminute

...and that's the truth

jct

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. The instructor said, During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. After a pause, the instructor added, I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

jct

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to
all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel
safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every
time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or
Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email tracking program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I
will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician.

Mad_Sciontist001

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dip____,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never hear d before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bot tom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If
you think education is difficult, try being stupid..

kiss_kiss_kill

I seriously read all of that & it didn't even put a smile on my face. I'm disappointed.

greybox

I read the tazer and thing and laughed until I choked. It's one of those things you just wonder about.

I also am noticing that this is a type of humor that usually separates men and women-men would wonder, women not so much....

I hate to say it but those jackass movies did serve a purpose....to some degree.

kiss_kiss_kill

Haha, it had nothing to do with the wife stuff, I was just expecting it to be funnier (or atleast funny, period).

Mad_Sciontist001

Sorry I should have put a disclaimer. "It's a guy thing may not be funny to the ladies."

jct

you just godda laugh at all the stupid things in life

Mad_Sciontist001

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found thems elves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans - continental train . Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower .


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, . . . . . . .... ' Ma' am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.
'

'I have a better idea, ' she replied ' Just for tonight, . . .... let's pretend that we're married.
'

' Wow! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .... That' s a great idea! ', he exclaimed.


' Good, ' she replied. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 'Get your own freaking blanket.
'

jct

foreverandaminute

blanket... that was funny

jct

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Mad_Sciontist001

The deaf bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in
the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the ***** to pull the
trigger."

matt_a

A nurse is working in a nursing home when a little old man comes shuffling up to her with his pants and underware down around his ankles. The nurse says, "Charlie, what are you doing?" He looks down at himself and says sadly, "He died." The nurse says, "I'm really sorry to hear that Charlie, but you can't walk around here like that" as she helps him pull his pants up and takes him back to his room. Two days later she sees him again...standing in the hall with his pants and underware back down around his ankles. She says, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie says, "He died". She says, "Yes, I know. You already told me. But why are your pants down again?" to which he replies "Today's the viewing."

foreverandaminute

deaf bookkeeper... funny funny... you would think the attorney makes enough money as it is...

the old man joke wasn't that great to me =/

tc-guy

An old man lived alone in Chino .. He wanted to plant his chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Oye Francisco,
I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my Chili gardenz this year. I just getting too viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mis problemas wood be over. I know you would dig the lot for me. Siempre-Tu Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa,
Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the chilis now. It's the best I could do.
Love, Francisco

Who said Mexicans are dumb??????