the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
03-18-2009, 07:00 AM
#1324
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 818
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she
said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and
finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
--------------------------------------
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she
said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and
finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
--------------------------------------
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
03-28-2009, 02:16 PM
#1328
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
on my way home from work one night it was quite cold out and there was a guy standing on the shoulder trying to flag somebody down so i pulled over. He had a flat and I thought I would be nice and change it until when i broke the lugs loose and started jacking it up he asked me how much longer i was going to take, and asked if i even knew what i was doing, i dropped his tire iron and got back in my car
03-29-2009, 07:32 PM
#1330
Senior Member
Balliztik
SL Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Washington
Posts: 9,538
Old man and old lady driving down the highway....old lady is driving about 85mph.
She flies right past the stater who clocks her going this speed.....pulls out and finally gets her to pull over.
License and regitration please .........
Old lady replies.......HUH....?
Old man replies........in a loud voice.......Says he wants your license and regestration ma.....
Oh ok says the old lady and hands to the officer.
Miss do you know how fast you were going.......????
HUH.........
Old man in loud voice ........SAys he wants to know how fast you think you were going ma........
Oh I don't know.......
Well the poor officer really has no choice to write her a ticket and so he starts to write it and notices she is from Oklamoma and says to himself dang the worst lay I ever got was in Oklahoma......
HUH......
He says he thinks he knows you ma.........
She flies right past the stater who clocks her going this speed.....pulls out and finally gets her to pull over.
License and regitration please .........
Old lady replies.......HUH....?
Old man replies........in a loud voice.......Says he wants your license and regestration ma.....
Oh ok says the old lady and hands to the officer.
Miss do you know how fast you were going.......????
HUH.........
Old man in loud voice ........SAys he wants to know how fast you think you were going ma........
Oh I don't know.......
Well the poor officer really has no choice to write her a ticket and so he starts to write it and notices she is from Oklamoma and says to himself dang the worst lay I ever got was in Oklahoma......
HUH......
He says he thinks he knows you ma.........
04-02-2009, 07:29 AM
#1331
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 818
Originally Posted by Mad_Sciontist001
...and that's how the fight started
>
>
> >
> One year, a husband decided to buy his
> mother-in-law a cemetery plot
> as a Christmas gift.
> The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked him why, he replied, "Well,
> you still haven't used the
> gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife walked into the den & asked
> "What's on the tv?"
> I replied "Dust".
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
> mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to
> her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
> you to pay me a
> compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's
> damn near perfect.'
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
> upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want something
> shiny that goes from 0 to 200
> in about 3 seconds.
> I bought her a scale.
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for
> our anniversary?'
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
> appreciation.
> 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long
> time!' she said.
> So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A
> Millionaire while we were
> in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you
> want to have sex?'
> 'No,' she answered.
> I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply
> saying 'Yes.'
> So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a
> friend.'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
> Miller Light for $14.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
> $7.95. I told her the beer
> would make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
> And that's when the fight started.....
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for
> some reason, took my
> order first.
> 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
> please.'
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the
> mad cow?'
> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
> And that's when the fight started
>
>
>
> >
> One year, a husband decided to buy his
> mother-in-law a cemetery plot
> as a Christmas gift.
> The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked him why, he replied, "Well,
> you still haven't used the
> gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife walked into the den & asked
> "What's on the tv?"
> I replied "Dust".
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
> mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to
> her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
> you to pay me a
> compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's
> damn near perfect.'
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
> upcoming
> anniversary. She said, 'I want something
> shiny that goes from 0 to 200
> in about 3 seconds.
> I bought her a scale.
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for
> our anniversary?'
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
> appreciation.
> 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long
> time!' she said.
> So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A
> Millionaire while we were
> in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you
> want to have sex?'
> 'No,' she answered.
> I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
>
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply
> saying 'Yes.'
> So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a
> friend.'
> And that's when the fight started....
>
> ************************************************************************
>
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
> Miller Light for $14.95.
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
> $7.95. I told her the beer
> would make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
> And that's when the fight started.....
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for
> some reason, took my
> order first.
> 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
> please.'
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the
> mad cow?'
> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
> And that's when the fight started
>
school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken
lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend. I
understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
********************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security. The woman
behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
04-02-2009, 06:37 PM
#1333
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Medford, Oregon
Posts: 1,074
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
>
>
> The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
> 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better..'
>
> I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
> 'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
>
>
>
> > The doctor considered his question for a minute and
> then began to tell a story.
>
> 'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
> and never misses a season.'
>
>
>
> One day he was setting off to go hunting.
>
> In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
> of his gun.'
>
> 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
> the water's edge.
>
>
>
>
> He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
> magnificent creature.
>
> Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
> it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
>
> Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
> Now, what do you think of that ? asked the doctor.
>
>
> The 86-year-old said ,
> 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
> pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
>
>
> The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
>
>
> The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
> 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better..'
>
> I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
> 'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
>
>
>
> > The doctor considered his question for a minute and
> then began to tell a story.
>
> 'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
> and never misses a season.'
>
>
>
> One day he was setting off to go hunting.
>
> In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
> of his gun.'
>
> 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
> the water's edge.
>
>
>
>
> He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
> magnificent creature.
>
> Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
> it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
>
> Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
> Now, what do you think of that ? asked the doctor.
>
>
> The 86-year-old said ,
> 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
> pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
>
>
> The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
05-24-2009, 06:32 PM
#1340
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Medford, Oregon
Posts: 1,074
Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
why?
Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
talk about bad timing...
why?
Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
talk about bad timing...