the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
05-24-2009, 09:49 PM
#1341
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Originally Posted by Mad_Sciontist001
Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
why?
Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
talk about bad timing...
why?
Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
talk about bad timing...
i own page 68 WOOOO
06-08-2009, 09:48 PM
#1344
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SL Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Las Vegas. NV
Posts: 587
An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.
The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
06-10-2009, 04:27 AM
#1346
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: 707
Posts: 575
Originally Posted by EDDIEA123
Guy#1:
Do you like fishsticks?
Guy#2
Yea I love Fishsticks
Guy#1
Then you must be a ___ Fish......
Do you like fishsticks?
Guy#2
Yea I love Fishsticks
Guy#1
Then you must be a ___ Fish......
06-22-2009, 09:47 PM
#1349
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SL Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Las Vegas. NV
Posts: 587
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
06-22-2009, 10:03 PM
#1351
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iTrader: (5)
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: SC Los Angeles (323)
Posts: 3,436
Originally Posted by I-Fly-High
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
GENIOUS!!!
06-22-2009, 10:13 PM
#1352
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
"John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to the pub with me and have a beer?'
Silence; there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few moments and asked again, 'How about going to the pub and having a beer with me?'
Again there was no answer, nothing but silence from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. Thinking that centipedes may have poor hearing he put his face up close to the centipede's house and shouted,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub and have a beer with me?
A little voice came out of the box:
'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!' "
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to the pub with me and have a beer?'
Silence; there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few moments and asked again, 'How about going to the pub and having a beer with me?'
Again there was no answer, nothing but silence from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. Thinking that centipedes may have poor hearing he put his face up close to the centipede's house and shouted,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub and have a beer with me?
A little voice came out of the box:
'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!' "
07-10-2009, 10:49 PM
#1357
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SL Member
iTrader: (5)
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: SC Los Angeles (323)
Posts: 3,436
Here another one.....too cruel though
When Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven, God ofered her 1 wish. She asked for all the children in the world to be safe so God too Michael Jackson as well
Just a joke people....I loved Michael too....
When Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven, God ofered her 1 wish. She asked for all the children in the world to be safe so God too Michael Jackson as well
Just a joke people....I loved Michael too....
07-10-2009, 10:57 PM
#1358
Senior Member
Fail, INC
Scikotics
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MN Scions
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Burnsville, Minnesota
Posts: 995
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to ____ your brains out, and suck your **** dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to ____ your brains out, and suck your **** dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
07-12-2009, 09:07 PM
#1359
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
I live a minute or so off of a major highway. A few miles down this highway there is a section of town that has a very high concentration of a certain religious group. When driving, they generally stick to thins area of the highway, so I can't complain too much.
Entering this part of town though is ALWAYS a gamble.
It is literally impossible to drive the 3 mile stretch and not have one of the following happen:
-hit a bottomless pothole that WILL mis-align your car.
-have someone merge into your lane, forcing you to avoid them. your horn will go unheard. you WILL have to give up your spot.
-see an accident. (possibly hit by flying debris, happened on two occasions)
Continuing...
There is an intersection that has a turn only lane that runs along side a lane going straight.
The left turn lane is CLEARLY marked.
I am driving in the turn lane along side the stopped traffic, slowly mind you- waiting for someone to dodge out in front of me.
the inevitable happens, i continue behind them. 300 or so feet later- the turn lane ends.
they want back in- and are now blocking me and everyone behind me.
I can't sleeze around into oncoming traffic because well.... there is oncoming traffic.
So here we sit, stuck behind a "local" Everyone is beeping, and NO ONE will let her back into the straight lane.
Horns are blazing behind me, people are screaming, trying to cut into oncoming traffic behind us... its a bad situation. everyone HATES this lady right now.
After about 15 cars, an 18 wheeler is passing.
Traffic begins to slow, and she sticks her nose in RIGHT behind the 18 wheeler.
Or so she thought.
Apparently, she managed to get the nose of her car between the last tires and the saftey bar in the rear. As the truck started to go, it proceeded to grab the back edge of her fender and hook on.
At this point- the truck is just starting from a stop. Its bogging, jerking and yanking this car sideways. The woman inside is being jerked back and forth, hair and arms flailing about.
This goes on in increments. Each tug was about 4 feet, tires screeching... about 10 times for a total of 40 or so feet across the intersection.
She almost had enough time between each one to compose herself, hair (wig), glasses, etc... before it would happen again.
The woman wasn't hurt, just shaken up (literally)
People were literally wiping their tears laughing in their cars next to me.
Yay weekend!
Entering this part of town though is ALWAYS a gamble.
It is literally impossible to drive the 3 mile stretch and not have one of the following happen:
-hit a bottomless pothole that WILL mis-align your car.
-have someone merge into your lane, forcing you to avoid them. your horn will go unheard. you WILL have to give up your spot.
-see an accident. (possibly hit by flying debris, happened on two occasions)
Continuing...
There is an intersection that has a turn only lane that runs along side a lane going straight.
The left turn lane is CLEARLY marked.
I am driving in the turn lane along side the stopped traffic, slowly mind you- waiting for someone to dodge out in front of me.
the inevitable happens, i continue behind them. 300 or so feet later- the turn lane ends.
they want back in- and are now blocking me and everyone behind me.
I can't sleeze around into oncoming traffic because well.... there is oncoming traffic.
So here we sit, stuck behind a "local" Everyone is beeping, and NO ONE will let her back into the straight lane.
Horns are blazing behind me, people are screaming, trying to cut into oncoming traffic behind us... its a bad situation. everyone HATES this lady right now.
After about 15 cars, an 18 wheeler is passing.
Traffic begins to slow, and she sticks her nose in RIGHT behind the 18 wheeler.
Or so she thought.
Apparently, she managed to get the nose of her car between the last tires and the saftey bar in the rear. As the truck started to go, it proceeded to grab the back edge of her fender and hook on.
At this point- the truck is just starting from a stop. Its bogging, jerking and yanking this car sideways. The woman inside is being jerked back and forth, hair and arms flailing about.
This goes on in increments. Each tug was about 4 feet, tires screeching... about 10 times for a total of 40 or so feet across the intersection.
She almost had enough time between each one to compose herself, hair (wig), glasses, etc... before it would happen again.
The woman wasn't hurt, just shaken up (literally)
People were literally wiping their tears laughing in their cars next to me.
Yay weekend!