the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
07-12-2009, 11:51 PM
#1362
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: 707
Posts: 575
LOL i noticed you were the thread creator just before you replied and i was gonna edit my post to say "a seperate" instead of "your own" but yeah it's too late, don't i feel sheepish hahahaa
08-05-2009, 09:05 PM
#1363
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
A man is driving along, when a woman steps in his way. He doesn't manage to stop in time, and she gets run over. Whose fault is it?The man's. He shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
What do you call a Yugo with 4 doors? A Wego.
How do you double the value of a Yugo? Fill the tank. (That would now be how do you increase the value tenfold?)
A guy walks into a parts store and says "I'll take a gas cap for my Yugo". Without missing a beat the guy behind the counter says "That sounds like a fair trade to me!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
Why does a Lada have reclining seats?
So you can at least be comfortable when waiting for the tow truck.
Why does a lada have a heated rear window? So that you at least won't get frostbite while pushing it.
A guy was driving his new, flashy Porsche on a rural road. He pulled in to the local gas station. While he was filling up an ancient little moped pulled up to the pump next to him, the rider even older than the moped.
The guy smiled derisively over at the old guy and asked "What'll she do, mister?"
Laughing, he jumped in his Porsche, slammed the door and sped off.
After a little while he noticed a speck in his rear-view mirror, growing larger all the time. Suddenly the old guy on the moped went past.
Shocked, but not willing to be outdone, he sped up until he overtook the moped.
Still, after a while there was a spot in his rear-view mirror and sure enough, the moped zoomed by him once again.
Now even more shocked and genuinely angered, he pushed the pedal to the floor and flashed past the moped again. He hit the claimed top speed of the car and then some, and yet he could not help but notice the moped in his mirror and inevitably, the ancient guy flew past him.
At this point the Porsche driver was so amazed that he made to pull over and ask the guy what in the world he'd done to his ancient moped.
"Oh, nothing," the old man said, "But if you could please help me out a bit, I got my suspenders stuck in your door jamb."
Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?A: Hold on, let me get a calculator, and I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised by the answer!
what did the blonde do when she heard that statistically people get into more car accidents within 5 miles of home?
she moved
An old man was out test driving a new Corvette and he decides to open it up a bit, he flies past a cop who immediately pulls out and turns his lights and siren on. The old man pushes the pedal down a bit further, he's doing about 100+ mph before his better sense takes over and he pulls over. The cops storms up to the car and asks the old man what in the hell was he doing. The old man replies, "Well officer, my ex-wife left me for a state trooper and I thought you might me trying to bring the her back."
A busload of old fogies are headed on an overnight run down to Atlantic City.
A woman approaces the driver, and tells him she's been molested.
"Probably a bad dream maam, please take your seat" he says.
A half hour later, another woman approaches the driver, with the same story.
The driver pulls the bus over, and heads to the back to find an old man crawling around on all fours.
The driver grips up the man, and demands an answer.
The old man explains "I've lost my hairpiece sonny, twice I thought I found it, but I part mine on the left"
A blonde came in to a mechanics shop at a gas station and asked for a seven-hundred-ten ****. Neither of the mechanics on duty had ever heard of a 710 **** and asked her, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten ****?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, Mine's missing and need a new one. " She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
A wealthy guy picks up his latest toy, a new Porsche and goes to show it off to his friends. He parks it on Rodeo drive and just as he opens the door, a truck sideswipes it, tearing off the door and nearly killing him in the process.
The rich guy stumbles out in shock and starts screaming " My Porsche, my brand new Porsche! I just paid 100K for it and its ruined"
The cop who arrives on the scene tells him, "You rich guys make me sick; you nearly got killed and all you care about is your material possessions. Good god man you are lucky to be alive, look at your arm, your hand is missing!"
The guy looks at his arm spurting blood and screams " " Oh my god, my Rolex is gone! What happened to my Rolex?"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
What do you call a Yugo with 4 doors? A Wego.
How do you double the value of a Yugo? Fill the tank. (That would now be how do you increase the value tenfold?)
A guy walks into a parts store and says "I'll take a gas cap for my Yugo". Without missing a beat the guy behind the counter says "That sounds like a fair trade to me!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
Why does a Lada have reclining seats?
So you can at least be comfortable when waiting for the tow truck.
Why does a lada have a heated rear window? So that you at least won't get frostbite while pushing it.
A guy was driving his new, flashy Porsche on a rural road. He pulled in to the local gas station. While he was filling up an ancient little moped pulled up to the pump next to him, the rider even older than the moped.
The guy smiled derisively over at the old guy and asked "What'll she do, mister?"
Laughing, he jumped in his Porsche, slammed the door and sped off.
After a little while he noticed a speck in his rear-view mirror, growing larger all the time. Suddenly the old guy on the moped went past.
Shocked, but not willing to be outdone, he sped up until he overtook the moped.
Still, after a while there was a spot in his rear-view mirror and sure enough, the moped zoomed by him once again.
Now even more shocked and genuinely angered, he pushed the pedal to the floor and flashed past the moped again. He hit the claimed top speed of the car and then some, and yet he could not help but notice the moped in his mirror and inevitably, the ancient guy flew past him.
At this point the Porsche driver was so amazed that he made to pull over and ask the guy what in the world he'd done to his ancient moped.
"Oh, nothing," the old man said, "But if you could please help me out a bit, I got my suspenders stuck in your door jamb."
Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?A: Hold on, let me get a calculator, and I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised by the answer!
what did the blonde do when she heard that statistically people get into more car accidents within 5 miles of home?
she moved
An old man was out test driving a new Corvette and he decides to open it up a bit, he flies past a cop who immediately pulls out and turns his lights and siren on. The old man pushes the pedal down a bit further, he's doing about 100+ mph before his better sense takes over and he pulls over. The cops storms up to the car and asks the old man what in the hell was he doing. The old man replies, "Well officer, my ex-wife left me for a state trooper and I thought you might me trying to bring the her back."
A busload of old fogies are headed on an overnight run down to Atlantic City.
A woman approaces the driver, and tells him she's been molested.
"Probably a bad dream maam, please take your seat" he says.
A half hour later, another woman approaches the driver, with the same story.
The driver pulls the bus over, and heads to the back to find an old man crawling around on all fours.
The driver grips up the man, and demands an answer.
The old man explains "I've lost my hairpiece sonny, twice I thought I found it, but I part mine on the left"
A blonde came in to a mechanics shop at a gas station and asked for a seven-hundred-ten ****. Neither of the mechanics on duty had ever heard of a 710 **** and asked her, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten ****?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, Mine's missing and need a new one. " She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
A wealthy guy picks up his latest toy, a new Porsche and goes to show it off to his friends. He parks it on Rodeo drive and just as he opens the door, a truck sideswipes it, tearing off the door and nearly killing him in the process.
The rich guy stumbles out in shock and starts screaming " My Porsche, my brand new Porsche! I just paid 100K for it and its ruined"
The cop who arrives on the scene tells him, "You rich guys make me sick; you nearly got killed and all you care about is your material possessions. Good god man you are lucky to be alive, look at your arm, your hand is missing!"
The guy looks at his arm spurting blood and screams " " Oh my god, my Rolex is gone! What happened to my Rolex?"
Last edited by jct; 08-05-2009 at 09:31 PM.
08-29-2009, 02:49 AM
#1365
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
I had a flat tire on the interstate, so
I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road,
Carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded
Them and stood them at the rear of my car facing
Oncoming traffic.
They look so life like you
Wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats
Exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars start slowing
Down looking at my life like men which made it safer
For me to work at the side of the road.
And of course, traffic starts backing
up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind
me.
He gets out of his car and starts
Walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on
Here?'
'My car has a flat tire',
I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene
Cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he
Didn't know.. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my
Emergency Flashers.'
I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road,
Carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded
Them and stood them at the rear of my car facing
Oncoming traffic.
They look so life like you
Wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats
Exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars start slowing
Down looking at my life like men which made it safer
For me to work at the side of the road.
And of course, traffic starts backing
up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind
me.
He gets out of his car and starts
Walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on
Here?'
'My car has a flat tire',
I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene
Cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he
Didn't know.. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my
Emergency Flashers.'
09-03-2009, 07:24 PM
#1367
Senior Member
Scikotics
SL Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Moines, Iowa
Posts: 292
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
(My macroeconomics teacher got the biggest kick out of that my freshman year of college, I don't think it's that funny though.)
Red paint
(My macroeconomics teacher got the biggest kick out of that my freshman year of college, I don't think it's that funny though.)
12-22-2009, 09:44 PM
#1369
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Michael Jackson , upon arriving at the pearly gates, discovered that he was once again black. > > Dismayed, he looked beyond the pearly gates and asked what could be done to bring his whiteness back? Suddenly a little cloud appeared, and out of the cloud there was a poof................."HI! BILLY MAYS HERE, .... WITH OXYCLEAN!"
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