the official scionlife joke thread!!! post 'em here
03-17-2006, 01:52 AM
#121
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Posts: 6,570
how do you make a Hippopotomus(sp?) shake?
2 scoops of Ice Cream
1 Can of Root beer
and a hippopotomus.
two men walk into a bar, you'ld think the second one would have seen it coming.
2 scoops of Ice Cream
1 Can of Root beer
and a hippopotomus.
two men walk into a bar, you'ld think the second one would have seen it coming.
03-17-2006, 07:43 PM
#122
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Scikotics
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 809
Two Priests
Friday, March 10, 2006
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests., "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter., "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Got a joke for us? Click here to e-mail it.
Copyright © 2003-2006 Clear Channel. All rights reserved.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests., "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter., "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Got a joke for us? Click here to e-mail it.
Copyright © 2003-2006 Clear Channel. All rights reserved.
03-17-2006, 07:49 PM
#123
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Nine-Zero-Nine
Posts: 5,327
What did the blind, deaf and dumb parapalegic kid get for christmas?
Cancer
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
that is the most unsensitive joke ever.. i laughed my **** off, but its not funny, just plain mean
Cancer
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
that is the most unsensitive joke ever.. i laughed my **** off, but its not funny, just plain mean
03-17-2006, 10:14 PM
#125
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SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
Subject: FW: Nutrition---This is good!
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth and populated
the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And
Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat
and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to
size
18.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and
said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's
Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy
center into chips and deep -fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,
"Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created
HMOs.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the earth and populated
the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And
Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat
and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to
size
18.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and
said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's
Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy
center into chips and deep -fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,
"Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created
HMOs.
03-20-2006, 12:08 AM
#126
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: HB, CA
Posts: 2,366
A lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to get undressed and wait for him. When the doctor comes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.
He is the doctor so she gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he pulls away and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking liquids before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
Two southern hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps: "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone and asks, "OK, now what?"
Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
There's a pause...
The second Arab says wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
Q: What's 40 feet long, and smells like p?
A: A conga line at an old folks home.
A jewish boy goes up to his dad and asks for a dollar. The dad replies, "Fifty cents?, what do you want a quarter for?"
He is the doctor so she gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he pulls away and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking liquids before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
Two southern hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps: "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone and asks, "OK, now what?"
Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
There's a pause...
The second Arab says wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
Q: What's 40 feet long, and smells like p?
A: A conga line at an old folks home.
A jewish boy goes up to his dad and asks for a dollar. The dad replies, "Fifty cents?, what do you want a quarter for?"
03-20-2006, 05:27 PM
#127
Senior Member
Team XcelsiA
SL Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Posts: 6,570
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
03-20-2006, 05:32 PM
#128
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Team XcelsiA
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Posts: 6,570
A large corporation recently hired several cannibals."You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but
please do not eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I am satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads "no".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others , "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader said to the guilty person. "For four weeks we have been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!
please do not eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I am satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads "no".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others , "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader said to the guilty person. "For four weeks we have been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOOOOO, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!
03-20-2006, 05:39 PM
#129
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 500
The boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision... they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning witha horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra looks up, contemplates her situation, then replies, "Could you jack off?" as she turns away. "I feel like sh#t this morning."
Debra came in the next morning witha horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra looks up, contemplates her situation, then replies, "Could you jack off?" as she turns away. "I feel like sh#t this morning."
03-20-2006, 06:01 PM
#130
Senior Member
Team XcelsiA
SL Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: 2002 Day Member (8-6-11)
Posts: 6,570
Retired folks are frequently asked what they do to make their days
interesting. This was how one senior responded:
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes, yet when I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking
ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
Senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a
name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn
tires. So I called him a worse name! He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he began writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I verbally abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. This one with
all the tickets had a "BUSH IN '04" bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important at our age.
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
interesting. This was how one senior responded:
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes, yet when I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking
ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
Senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a
name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn
tires. So I called him a worse name! He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he began writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I verbally abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. This one with
all the tickets had a "BUSH IN '04" bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
important at our age.
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy,"she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
03-23-2006, 01:22 PM
#132
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Heart of Texas
Posts: 281
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint He looks up and says, "Hey, MONKEY!" The monkey looks down and says, "SHIIIIIIITTTTT, Dude....how much water did you drink?
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint He looks up and says, "Hey, MONKEY!" The monkey looks down and says, "SHIIIIIIITTTTT, Dude....how much water did you drink?
03-23-2006, 03:49 PM
#137
Senior Member
SL Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Palisades Park,NJ
Posts: 110
Lenny & Bert go on a hunting trip when Lenny gets bit on the ***** by a rattle snake.
Bert runs to the nearest emergency phone and calls 911. The Dr. tells him he must
suck the venom out of his friend. Bert runs back to Lenny and says
Dude, your gonna die.
Bert runs to the nearest emergency phone and calls 911. The Dr. tells him he must
suck the venom out of his friend. Bert runs back to Lenny and says
Dude, your gonna die.
03-24-2006, 09:34 PM
#139
Senior Member
SL Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 13,961
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."