Ok so a good friend of mine on another forum posted this and I HAD to pass it along... To clear things up, we call him Woof, so thats his name... Anyways, here you go (Its worth the read!):

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a story for you.

Today, I came to a stunning realization.

Not your average "this sandwich that I'm eating is moldy" type realization.

An EPIC realization.

Before I get to that though, allow me to rewind a bit:

Three days ago, I joined an online dating site. I did it for a couple reasons, but the main one is that I'm completely retarded when it comes to how to hit on women. But on an online dating site, you post what your about, your interests, your dreams and aspirations, and if the viewer doesn't like you, they don't like you. End of story.

No, none of that "Hey baby did you fart? 'Cause you blow me away!" type ____ here.
[Side note, that line ALWAYS works]

So, I joined thinking that eventually I might meet someone cool that I could bang spend the rest of my life with.

I proceeded to fill out my profile, I was COMPLETELY honest about who I am, what my interests are, what kind of person I am looking for, etc.
(I did however leave out the fact that I have Transformers Bed Sheets, but the ladies are gonna have to learn that the hard way...if you know what I'm saying.)

I then (reluctantly) posted a picture of myself that looks EXACTLY as I look now.

Then I clicked "Complete Profile Creation" or whatever it says.

I ____ you not, three minutes later, I get an email from a girl who liked my profile and who wanted to talk to me. And I'm not trying to brag, for my sex appeal is kinda like this:

Figure A:



Anyway, so I check out her profile and she is more into Sports than I am and seems to be more of an "outdoorsy" type person than I am (I get sunburned in like .768 of a second) but I figure that opposites attract so that's cool. Her picture isn't bad either, she seems to be a little chubby in the face, but I'm cool with that because of my own sexual appeal. (See "Figure A") Pretty much, I'd hit it enjoy perusing her forward advances with my **** stimulating conversation and possibly a nice sea food dinner with a movie shortly after.

So we begin talking and it turns out that she is a cool person who likes "geeky guys" (1up!) and we seem to get a long well.

The next day (yesterday, and after talking quite a lot) I decide to ask her out. She accepts and I'm beginning to think that I might get laid we are going to have a lovely time and hit it off pretty well on our date.

So the next day comes along (today) and I begin to get ready for my date. Shower/shave, pick up some condoms, and get dressed up nice.

I arrive at the restaurant at about 6:45 PM (our date was scheduled for 7:00 PM) I wait around for a little bit, and finally she shows up.

Now, before we continue, let me assure you that I am not a shallow person, I may be a little perverted, but I'm not very shallow. Please keep that in mind during this next part.

She walks in. I don't recognized her.

She recognizes me.

I...well...I...um...trying to think of the correct words...maybe a polite way of saying this...


____ it,

THIS _____ IS A ____ING FOUR LEGGED LAND MAMMAL THAT GRAZES ALL DAY ON DORITOS AND CHOCOLATE MILK.

...

Allow me to apologize. You may be thinking that I am a "male pig" right now who probably has one of those "Save the whales, harpoon a fat chick" bumper stickers, but I'm not. It's just that this girl was of an undetermined sex because visible sexual organs could not be found. She weighed at least 350, maybe 400.

I guess the reason why I said what I said about her is because I was angry. I was so specific and honest in my profile, I read and reread everything to make sure that there wasn't even a tiny bit of falsehood in it, and here is this girl who looks a little chubby in her picture and then in all reality she's the kind of person who has to buy two seats to be allowed on an airplane. I honestly wouldn't have minded if she looked like she really does in her picture, but I probably wouldn't have gone out with her either. I'm not shallow, but I do have a few standards and being 5 foot 2 and weighing 350 pounds is one of my personal no-no's.

Anyway, back to the story:

She recognizes me and says hi, then gets a shocked expression on her face. (At least I think it was shocked, kinda hard to tell, she had a head like a ____in' basketball and there were rolls that kept her eyebrows in the same position no matter what expression she was trying to convey, so it was either shocked or she was opening her mouth as wide as she could to breathe)

I looked at her and asked her what's wrong.

She then begins SCREAMING at me.

I don't mean like an outdoor voice in an inside environment, I mean like the "THIS IS SPARTA!" scream.

Tears are rolling down her cheeks, her mouth is wide, and things like "WHY CAN'T I MEET AN HONEST GUY" and "YOU ____ING LIAR!" are coming out.

People are staring.

I'm looking back at them with a "What the ____ are you lookin' at?/Mind your own goddamn business" expression. (See Figure "B")

Figure B:



Then she stops, sits down, and begin quietly sobbing with her hands on her face.

I sit down next to her and ask her why in the ____ did she just have some kind of psychotic mental breakdown in the middle of Red Lobster.

She mumbles something along the lines of how she is tired of guys treating her like ____ and that she got her hopes up about me and I turned out to be the same way all guys are.

At this point I'm less concerned about her and her mental state, and more focused on what kind of guy would date such a bat ____ crazy beast of a woman.

She's kinda stopped crying now and I'm trying to figure out what the ____ I lied about because I was ____ing so honest on my profile and everything. At this point I'm more curious than anything else.

So after she calms down and takes a few deep breaths, she says something along the lines of this:

"You are like every other guy I've ever dated. You are dishonest and I don't want to be with someone like you."

I say:

"Do you mind letting me in on what the ____ I was so dishonest about?"

She says:

"In your picture on your profile, you don't have any facial piercings and you really do!"

Then she begins to cry again.

Let me be perfectly clear:

In the picture that I have up, I do not have my lip ring or my labret stud in.

I do however, mention in my profile that I do in fact have 5 piercings in all and then proceed to list them, ears, eyebrow, lip, labret.

So what would you do if you were in my situation sitting across the table from a sobbing morbidly obese fat _____ that just called me a "____ing lying piece of ____" over something as stupid as a piercing? (A piercing that I can take out any time, mind you)

Well, I guarantee you I wasn't just gonna sit there like some retard and apologize.

HELL no, ____ that, I didn't lie about anything.

So, I called over the waitress, ordered a lobster and some cheese rolls with a Dr. Pepper for myself.

While waiting on my food, I look over at her (still sobbing) and remember that despite all of this crazy bull____ and the light state of shock I'm in due to this crazy bull____, I wasn't the only one who had lied. (And I really didn't lie at all!)

I then pulled out my iPhone, looked up her profile, and sit my phone down on the table so that she could see it.

She looks at it.

I show her her picture.

I ask her if she sees the picture.

She nods "yes."

I ask her if she ate the girl that was in said picture.

She stops crying.

She gets new and different expression on her face that I hadn't seen before, but still I am unable to define what emotion she is trying to convey.

She picks up her purse with one hand.

Reaches across the table with the other, swinging, and hits the living ____ out me with her honey ham sized hand. It was seriously like getting hit in the face with a baseball bat.

EDIT: In hindsight I did probably deserve that, but I was upset and felt as if something needed to be said about her lying about her weight and the fact that I didn't really lie at all.

She leaves.

My food arrives.

I begin eating and thinking about all of the serial killers that pick up girls off dating sites, and then conclude that if all of the victims are like the girl I just met, then world is a better place without them.

I then think about how stupid some people are, and how I wished I could have the last half hour of my life back and fantasize that none of this had happened and that right now I could be killing zombies in L4D2 or posting something on here like I've been busting my own ***** about lately.

That was when I came to my earlier mentioned realization:

I am not the same person I was when I joined this site a little over three years ago. Back then, I couldn't talk to girls without jumbling up my words and speaking complete nonsense, I didn't have the courage to ask a girl out, I didn't have the courage to go out, and I sure as hell didn't have the courage to stand up for myself at Red Lobster with Jabba The Hut across from me at the table.


Jesus, who would have thought that my first online date would be one of the most crazy experiences of my life?