jct

Merry Christmas all.

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to
all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel
safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every
time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or
Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email tracking program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I
will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician.



Have a Happy New Year, John

matt_a

LOL...that's a good one. But if you want to see true paranoia, check out the 9/11 conspiracy thread!

sorry...couldn't resist.

Joehnn

Aren't you also getting the money from Nigeria deposited to your account?

jct

no, i'm staying out of that thread all together!!!

gjpjr84

Joehnn

By the way, just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.